Flop of a day…

I simply feel like today was a flop. I’ve been on a downhill on my roller coaster journey lately and it makes making plans hard.  You make a list, well ok I do, I am big time into lists and plans and basically have a check list every day of my life.  I get so frustrated when I am writing down the same things day after day after day.  I am unable to accomplish these things and nothing goes as planned.  I laughed last night… in a teary eyed miserable sorta way, that I actually wrote “I feel fantastic” on my blog yesterday while I was so sick again last night.  This spiral is going straight down and I am just getting to be more and more sensitive to food by the day.  I ate some food last night, healthy obviously but it still didn’t sit well with my insides.  I was crazy sick all night last night.  Today I was fearful to even eat because I don’t have time for the instant fatigue feeling I feel followed by the sickness.  I didn’t eat until later in the evening once again and was very careful and felt full after just a few bites.  I actually so far handled it ok. Very soft food, mostly juices and more enzymes. Also, yes I did say I went all day without eating again and to many who say ‘that’s a no no, you should be eating small frequent meals’ yes, I used to do that, now I just listen to my body.  I am very aware of what I should do and how to listen to my body and I’m very in tuned, thanks 😉

While I was sick and up all night, nice and wide awake because for some reason my body forgot you should be sleeping at 2..3…4am… I a read story online about someone being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and saying “I’m a dead person” and that was that.  They didn’t bother to change anything or research or try anything new, according to the article.  They lived their life up the best they could after diagnosis and died 4 months later.  I felt sad for this person. Why?  Why think that way and not want to fight?  I don’t know this person and maybe they have their reasons and that was best for them but for me there is no way.  I’ve had people tell me in person to my face “Your days are numbered but I wish you the best” … really?  How do you not know if you are going to die in a vehicle accident tomorrow and I become cancer free and live to 100?  How do you know what my future holds?  As a matter of fact, who are you?!   I still speak to this person.  I don’t think they really realized maybe what they said or how it meant.  Then again, yeah they did. They are much older and certainly know but I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Anyways, I filled up my narcotic prescriptions today and the pharmacist said “This drug hasn’t been refilled since April so we are going to have to call your doctor”  Hmmm… so basically, I am supposed to be filling up my drugs more often (and selling them on the streets… jk 😉  ) and using them, then weaning myself off and using them only when need be? Huh.. ok…   I called my oncologist and got the nurse who advised “Ash I talked to the stupid people and told them yes it’s a real script and yes she can have her drugs”  haha! Thank you!!  LOVE knowing everyone at my hospital and am so thankful for so many of them!! 🙂

Have a great night y’all

Hello world, going strong at 9 months!

hahaha hilarious pic of my chocolate love 🙂

My sweet big boy 🙂

^ These pics were taken today of my pups!  Toby is my sweet, kind, gentle golden and my chocolate lab is just a crazy lovey guy who has such a big personality! 🙂

Thank you to ALL for the awesome “Purple for a Purpose” pics I received!!! You are all amazing and I really appreciate it!! 🙂   I will post them tomorrow, sorry I am too wrapped up in stuff tonight to do it… please accept my apologies 🙂

If any of you are counting, last week was my 9 month from official diagnosis!!!  I always think… where was I a year ago or how was I feeling a year ago today.  Around this time last year (maybe more like a week or 2 ago) we took a nice day trip to the Shenandoah Mountains for a “fall foliage” day and it was hard for me.  I was SO sick on the drive there. We stopped at this place that had a public bathroom before we headed to the entrance and I was just SOOO sick in there.  It was pure disgusting.  Obviously we now know why.  My true symptoms started over a year ago now.  I cannot say if I would have gone to the hospital at this time last year they would have even thought to run a CT scan or I would have been diagnosed.  Odds are they wouldn’t have.  Sure theres always a maybe.  I was getting sick, not keeping food down and losing some weight but then I recall not all days were bad.  I’d have like 3 in a row or so then I’d get better.  I had coworkers poking fun at me like there was another reason I was getting sick, things were going on with my body that were off and sometimes I had thought what they were joking around about was true. It often makes me sad that I waited so long before going in, I let everything progress before I asked for help. I might not have been diagnosed officially this time last year but probably next month or so.  I let the pain and symptoms get so bad. I waited until I physically could not drink a sip of water and I lost so much weight before I drove to the ER and was in SO much pain. No one knew.  I confided in just a couple people that I was getting sick and looking for a quick fix but I never posted online “I’m sick”  “I’m sick again”  “Poor me I’m a sick girl”  ….nope.  Thats not me.  I never had time for Facebook or any silly social network website because I was busy working and obtaining my CPA.

In any case, over 9 months ago I finally went in, I was diagnosed and told if the chemo didn’t take I wouldn’t live 60 days. My time was so short as it was too advanced. The doctors said they would administer chemo as soon as they could get my symptoms under control and I needed to start taking my j-tube (tube though my stomach) feedings better and stop losing weight. I ended up getting down to 90lbs and would dress in so many layers so I wouldn’t look so skinny and gross. I look at myself now and think “wow!”  I have come SO far.  I can’t stop now, nor would I… obviously.  I had SUCH a rough week last week and felt so defeated.  I was so awfully sick.  I recalled telling people “it’s 9 months!!” and they replied “just 3 more ash, just 3 more and you beat the average statistics”  I’ve already beat what doctors said but after a year I will beat the typical statistics.

As I said, Amen last week is over with!!  I had severe blows to my wedding planning and a terrible 3 day chemo.  I took so many oxycodones I’ve run out!  Yes I have a prescription that I need to get refilled but goodness, I wasn’t even taking pain meds for the longest time. I am doing this whole wedding solo and it’s a lot for me.  I am focusing on being back at my job, fighting this horrid cancer all over my body and a wedding in which we are funding – can you say TRUE stress???  I also hung up on the Dr. before they could give me my biopsy results.  The hematologist already believes it probably did spread to my bone marrow but I couldn’t take hearing it officially.  I was going to just crack.  I couldn’t take anymore in 1 week.  It’s all a LOT.  It’s a lot for a girl who is so good at multi tasking and doing everything.  I’ve always taken pride in being self sufficient and being able to fend for myself since I was 18.  It’s hard though with what I am dealing with on a day to day basis that I wish I had more support.  Though – I do have a friend here who had been contacting me for months asking to help, asking to do things, asking if I needed anything and I…. hmm… I wouldn’t say blew her off, I just simply thought ok next week, it’s a bad day, bad time, and most of you know I had a VERY busy and amazing summer doing what I did every year and living my normal life that it wasn’t until I was back to reality that I finally got in touch with her.  I finally made the commitment to see her and hang out and am SO thankful for her.  She is an amazing person and a true pure real honest friend. (love you girl!! )

(haha – side note:  I am not saying I don’t have friends… I have many friends… but I don’t have that many people that are that close to me or can understand and be there)

Today??? How am I doing today????  FANTASTIC!!! :0)    I had a ROUGH terrible, miserable, nasty night last night late after I came home from Martinsburg, WV and I was SO excited when I got home late and in jammies and popped my pills and to bed I was.  I awoke a whole new person!  It’s a new day and a beautiful Sunday and I feel much better! 🙂   Last week is over with and it’s a new week. I am ready to have a dang good week and do the best for my body!  I am not taking to food well once again, so I have to be easy on my pancreas and be very careful with everything I put in me.

One last thing, last week when I shared my little sisters high school essay I forgot to mention she had also contacted me and said “Sis! Do you know 7 months ago you said to me how sorry you were that you were not going to see me graduate from Owosso High School because you would be dead?”  yup! “sis, that was 7 months ago and I graduate in 7 months, do you see how far you’ve come?  you will be there, you will not miss anything”.    This really touched me because I remember just crying and saying how I couldn’t believe I would be dead before I could see my sister graduate.  I taught that little girl how to walk and I was going to be taken before I could see her graduate?  Thats crazy.  Now, yes, I will be there at that ceremony in 6 months from now.  Just thinking that my family along with Tim were watching me graduate.. which doesn’t seem that long ago and now it’s going to by my sisters time in which Tim and I will be there along with my family – of coarse. The following year will be my youngest brothers turn.  Wow the years go by! Ahh! Makes ya feel old 🙂