Flop of a day…

I simply feel like today was a flop. I’ve been on a downhill on my roller coaster journey lately and it makes making plans hard.  You make a list, well ok I do, I am big time into lists and plans and basically have a check list every day of my life.  I get so frustrated when I am writing down the same things day after day after day.  I am unable to accomplish these things and nothing goes as planned.  I laughed last night… in a teary eyed miserable sorta way, that I actually wrote “I feel fantastic” on my blog yesterday while I was so sick again last night.  This spiral is going straight down and I am just getting to be more and more sensitive to food by the day.  I ate some food last night, healthy obviously but it still didn’t sit well with my insides.  I was crazy sick all night last night.  Today I was fearful to even eat because I don’t have time for the instant fatigue feeling I feel followed by the sickness.  I didn’t eat until later in the evening once again and was very careful and felt full after just a few bites.  I actually so far handled it ok. Very soft food, mostly juices and more enzymes. Also, yes I did say I went all day without eating again and to many who say ‘that’s a no no, you should be eating small frequent meals’ yes, I used to do that, now I just listen to my body.  I am very aware of what I should do and how to listen to my body and I’m very in tuned, thanks 😉

While I was sick and up all night, nice and wide awake because for some reason my body forgot you should be sleeping at 2..3…4am… I a read story online about someone being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and saying “I’m a dead person” and that was that.  They didn’t bother to change anything or research or try anything new, according to the article.  They lived their life up the best they could after diagnosis and died 4 months later.  I felt sad for this person. Why?  Why think that way and not want to fight?  I don’t know this person and maybe they have their reasons and that was best for them but for me there is no way.  I’ve had people tell me in person to my face “Your days are numbered but I wish you the best” … really?  How do you not know if you are going to die in a vehicle accident tomorrow and I become cancer free and live to 100?  How do you know what my future holds?  As a matter of fact, who are you?!   I still speak to this person.  I don’t think they really realized maybe what they said or how it meant.  Then again, yeah they did. They are much older and certainly know but I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Anyways, I filled up my narcotic prescriptions today and the pharmacist said “This drug hasn’t been refilled since April so we are going to have to call your doctor”  Hmmm… so basically, I am supposed to be filling up my drugs more often (and selling them on the streets… jk 😉  ) and using them, then weaning myself off and using them only when need be? Huh.. ok…   I called my oncologist and got the nurse who advised “Ash I talked to the stupid people and told them yes it’s a real script and yes she can have her drugs”  haha! Thank you!!  LOVE knowing everyone at my hospital and am so thankful for so many of them!! 🙂

Have a great night y’all