Tired but alive…

This morning I woke up and the first thing I saw was the hospital band on my left arm from Monday. Ugh!  Gross.  I woke up only to my dogs.  I guess my husband snuck off to work, he said he didn’t sneak but I was wiped out and didn’t hear a thing. I know I always dread chemo Mondays but it truly is the day or days after that are generally the worse.  I can normally muster up the morning of chemo and feel good going into it with some kind of ‘kick butt’ attitude and ‘yeah bring on the day’ …of sitting in a chair for 12 hours.  Ha!  Yes, psych myself out and then the day goes on…and on.  I call it an early night because, well I spent all day in hell and I get home at night and the poison is hitting me and I’m done.

Tuesday rolls in and I generally don’t have a recelcation of Tuesday.  I am so drowsy and exhausted.  I can’t eat and it’s all I can do to drink water and flush my body. It’s so hard.  You do have those thoughts of “is this really worth it?”  “how long can I continue this?”  the doubt kicks in when you are feeling so miserable.  I am a tough cookie but it happens.  When I woke up my stomach was grumbling and I felt so hungry but as always, I was scared to eat.  I generally can’t hold food down until Friday.  Actually I am never even hungry Tues or Wed. and start to feel it on Thursday.  I’ve had some girlfriends who thought that would be nice to have this appetite suppressant but it’s not nice.  I feed my body for fuel and when I can’t give it fuel I feel even more drained and exhausted.  Tim used to even try to give me sweets and anything sweet is the very last thing I want when I am this sick.  I do not have much of a sweet tooth to begin with so keeping that away is no problem whatsoever in my life.  I simply feel weak.  I feel beat down. It’s a horrible feeling.

I just got home from the hospital. I had to get my neulasta shot again although my white blood count was pretty high this time. I still haven’t felt the effects from it that I have heard so much about.  I’ve had it a few times and have yet to feel that “achy bone” or “hurt” feeling.  I don’t know… I take things differently thats for sure!  Well, it’s time I have to call it a night!  I got around today and got things done and thats a lot from 36hrs after a 12hr chemo!  I’m done. 🙂  Amen for American Idol and one big beautiful bed!

xoxo ~Ashley

PS!  To all that have commented or email (many emails!) – I will try to get back to you tomorrow!! please forgive me 🙂 xoxo