Author Archives: cancerkickingirl

The good stuff

I loved my wife with all my heat and will alway love her it the little things that I miss most of her. Her telling me what to do or hogging the TV remote or just a walk with our boys (the good stuff.) I fought for her as she would for me never missing even 1 doctors visit (There was a lot) and spending every second with her at the hospital day and night. She never told me she loved me for this I could just see it in her eyes. Ashley was afraid to die she did not want to leave alone and wanted me to go with her when god call her up to heaven. I told her I would be right behind her and for her save a spot for me because I had to make arrangement s for our stuff and boys. Holding her hand and loving her to the end is not easy watching that last breath of air last heart beat as she got called up made me feel powerless and angry at god. Why Ashley why not me she was the poster girl of health not me. At times I find I can’t cry anymore and just simple out of tears and then I’ll just break down from something so simple as thinking of how she always got after me for leaving lights on in rooms or not covering her radio in the car with a blanket not pulling in her truck mirror. This is the good stuff ( I’m even having a difficult time writing this cant keep the tears out of my eyes and everything is Blurry). Me and Ashley held a deep love for one another we were inseparable did everything together whent every were together we were stronger this way. What she was weak at I was strong and what I was weak at she was strong. Most people dont get a chance in life to meet there true love they do thing separate they are happier when they spend less time together but for me and my wife we felt our love getting stronger every day. I know someday we would die it’s inevitable I guess I just hoped we would go together of old-age or maybe I would go first to make it easier. Ashley was angry with God she cried to me numerous times why does God hate me why why dose he want me to be in pain why is God doing this to my life why. Dose god not want us to have a full life together. I told her I didn’t have the answer but this is not the work of god this is the work of the devil. I have been a fair weather fan believing in god my hole life. I believe when good happens and don’t when bad things happen. I am ok with knowing if their is a heaven or hell she is in heaven and if there is nothing than there is just nothing and she is a peace with no pain. Looking back on Ashley’s life all the little things that I complained about argued about with her those are the things that I miss the most. All the imperfections and little quirks that no one else knows about this is the good stuff.

Ashley’s only father ken

This is a song that I would like to dedicate to Ashley and her true father Ken. Even though he was her step father, to her he was her only father. I know there were hard times with the two of them, but he never gave up and was there for her when she really needed it. She loved him so much and I am proud to call him dad after all this. It’s hard to take in a child and call them your own, but he did and I think the world of him for that. This is what separates the men from the boys and Ashley will be wating for him with open arms in heaven. I known she will tell him “what took you so long dad? That was the longest cigarette break ever.”

Tears for Ashley my love

Song for my Wife you had me from hello

So since my wife, friend, lover,partner and everything to me has passed, it has been gloomy and rainy in DC; makes you wonder how many are crying up stairs to make this happen. Ashley had a special glow about and around her that everyone was touched by. She will never be forgotten and always will be loved. She could make everyone smile and laugh for no reason when she walked in the room. To watch the one you love fight for 5hr as her body was shouting down is awful, but a testament to her strength and will to live. The body is equipped to die as it is to live. When her kidneys shut down at first she got delirium and that was awful. She was so frustrated that she could not speak to me and she tried so hard it brought tears to my eyes. The body sent ammonia to the brain, which is my understanding, put her in somewhat of a coma state so she would feel less pain. But watching the one you love battle for five hours is and was very difficult. She had what they call a death gurgle because of the fluid building up in her body and she was constantly grasping for her breath and breathing very heavily. This is not what I imagined when she would go or how it would happen. At the end of her life, they told us that she could not see us but she could hear. This I know because she had looked over at me when I spoke to her. We tried to comfort her the best way we knew and that was by surrounding her with love and ensuring her that I would be seeing her soon and to save a spot for me in heaven. Thank God her sister and dad were there for her. She told us all that she loved us and she knew we felt the same. I can’t say this was easy- it was worse than I could have ever imagined for her. If I could have ended it sooner for her, I would have. We always thought we were the exception and we would beat this demon. I will try in the future to update you on the events that happened prior to Ashley’s departure. I had been battling so hard with the hospital policies in the hospital medical team that I just did not have the strength to post anything online- I just wanted to love her.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P7IbQyG9PL4

We will never say goodbye

This song is dedicated from Ashley’s only sister Brooke. She misses her very much and wishes she was with us today. She was able to see Ashley til the end and Ashley was very happy that she came to visit her and loved her sister so very much. Words cannot say how much she yearned to watch Brooke grow up and blossom into a young adult but she will be watching down upon her for the rest of her life and helping her in her own way through life’s challenges. I am so proud of her for coming down here to see Ashley. I know it’s tough and it’s probably one of the hardest things she will ever have to do and no one should have to go through this. This meant the world to Ashley and I felt she was comforted by her only sister Brooke being there to say “I’m here for you and love you” This is a song that Brooke dedicates to her sister in memory

God gave me you

So the last blog entery I had stated that Ashley said just let me die peacefully. This is not her giving up by any means she is frustrated with her body being in pain and taking so long to heal. Some one wrote on face book something alongs the line of ” Ashley doesn’t sound good and Tim should probably realize the inevitable ” this made her cry and I DO NOT APPRECIATE negative comments. I do on the other hand get what some of you said about she will know when it is time. I feel selfish quite often because I need and love her more than she will ever know and find my self getting angry at her for saying things like that. She is just so young and I know she has so much to offer to the world.
To be very honest I get frustrated as to why this happened to us because Ashley is a very smart intelligent girl and was going places in life so many people do nothing with their lives and lived to be 90 into there hundreds it is definitely frustrating. Don’t get me wrong I not saying because you are Smart,ambitious intelligent, and going places that you should never get sick we all try to live life the best way we know how, but are you living life to the fullest. I can say the only reason I push myself is for Ashley she is always been up for new challenge and together there is nothing we feel we can’t handle. I would not be putting the poor girl the

#1- pain management
#2- be able to live without TPN (Intravenous feeding)
#3- go home
#4- get strong and just live
#5- get the rest of cancer taken out
At times in life everyone will hit a wall or breaking point that’s when you need the support of loved ones and family this is crucial to success. We get things done in numbers not as individuals. I can flex my muscles kick and scream at the world / hospital but its the voices of all of you that will help get her through and for that I thank you. She may think she will never get better or have no pain or even be able to see another Christmas but I believe she is making progress no matter how slow it may seem we are going forward. She is completely off Dilaudid I just turned her feeding pump up to 20 ml/hr and she seems to tolerate it for the most part. Sense a lot of this is mental I move her feeding pump up without her knowing this way her body/ brain can’t Automatically say I hurt before the affects of the food goes through. You see a persons body gets so use to pain the brain will freak out over the most minor change and since pain even if its not there. The brain is Anticipating pain, this I have learned from studying my wife for so long. Her brain thinks it needs everything we can throw at it including the kitchen sink.
I am not by any means saying Ash is making up her pain because the pain is very real I’m just saying the brain is in a since magnifying it. She has been very emotional in the past weeks she doesn’t think she will never get out of the hospital and go home we keep insuring her you will just give it time. I will not let her lose site of what we are trying to achieve out of this surgery life. maybe on hold for us but the world is still spinning and we will catch up soon.

In life everyone will go through ups and downs some more than other and some harder than others but use them to make yourself stronger and figure out what they mean. What is the point of all this crap, life is not always fair, disease don’t discriminate but then this is just a stop along the big scam of things. There has to be more than this life, many I believe have lost touch with simple things in life like helping someone in need just because. People say what is in it for me or how much money will I make. I am also guilty of this at times but I have learned there are something in life that money just can’t buy. Great friend family and love just for a start. People may think they can buy some of these things, but they are not truly there for you or have your best interest just the money. I find my self more and more getting satisfaction out of my work not just because of the money but the look on people’s faces when they see the time effort and detail that you put into something gives you a sense of pride. Giving gifts at christmas is more than receiving. Sure you need money but does this alone make you happy I could make lots of money in DC doing other things like roofing but I don’t get the sense of pride from it if you do GREAT. Also the simple things in life like getting together with family and friends at Christmas time or just sitting in a tree stand hunting for me and laying on beach for Ash or walking through a wood on a nice fall day, cutting down a christmas tree at christmas time, going to a county fair, or just staying in on a rainy day and watching a movie I get a sense of calm or peace from these.
Find out what calms you and do it I love DC and the people and my work but I miss Michigan and some things. In the past few year I have let life and what I thought was the American dream take over and have lost touch with what is most important the simple things. Sure I love trying to work hard for the future but the present is passing us by and we are not getting younger. You are only a teen for a short period and in your 20’s 30’s 40 ‘s and so on for a sort time so do it or set a goal to get there no matter what.
My mom loves to gamble but they haven’t been to Sin city yet I say if you have the means do it go to Vargas you will not regret it , this maybe out of your comfort zone but the only thing you will regret is that you didn’t go years sooner. Ashley is going through a tough time in her life and so am I. We really don’t know how each other feel but one thing I know is she will give it her all and I won’t give up on her tell she says enough. I haven’t been the man I should be at times for her. When I get upset with her for asking me to end it for her I know she doesn’t know how hard it is as a care giver, but then I have not had to deal with the physical pain. I just keep insuring her it will get better with time and to keep fighting you have an army of people behind you. And I will take care of you to the end and would never let you die I agony. But then I say your tough and to stubborn to die on me we will make it.

Waiting game

So I personally am a very patient person when it comes to my work. Trying to get my wife’s pain under control is Mentally exhausting for me and both physically and mentally exhausting for her. Seeing the one you love in such distress all the time is tough and almost unbearable at times. You get a sense of helplessness and run through all kinds of feelings personally I get frustrated and angry. When she asked me “why not just let me die in peace” I wonder if we are doing the right thing or is this just prolonging fate. Many believe your life is predetermined but I would have to disagree. The ONLY thing that is predetermined is you will die NOT when you will. We had a choice and we did what we thought was right. I just hope my wife will survive this to make all the pain and suffering worth it in the end. We still have long roads ahead of us and major Decisions to make. When she gets strong enough is she going to want to do this all over again and take out her spleen and tail of her pancreas in order to maybe become cancer free. You can just sit around and wait to die or do something to help push back the clock. I always choose to try to do something about it. Ashley has been in more pain ever since we came out of the ICU and took her off the IV ketamine. The pharmacy made a liquid form of ketamine that is completely new to them so It took them a while to try to formulate it and get it to us. She started out taking 40 mg every 12 hours by mouth this from what I have seen for the most part works for 6-8 hr then fall off fast. She is also taking oxycodone still 1 mg of Diladid continuously in the PCA pump over an hr. ,Tylenol and is also getting muscle relaxer for her back called the flex-all. None of these really have any effect on her the Tylenol seems to adage the pain a little bit which is weird I know Tylenol isn’t very strong but it works by inhibiting an enzyme known as cyclooxygenase it’s a acetaminophen.
So just talked to the Doctor and told him we wanted to see the ketamine go from every 12 to ever 6 hr and he said ok let’s try it. So hopefully this will give her some more relief so she isn’t in agony. Keep trying to get the nurses to start her pump feeding because my theory is the stomach bile is now going through her intestines and with no food this is making her sick in it self not to mention with pain pills.
So I just hooked up her feeding pump without them and got this going sooner than later and so far so good. This is only set at about 10 ml/hr this is only about a shot glass in size we will start slow then work to a goal rate of around 100-125/ml/hr. I was staying up tell 2am every night trying to give her a bolus from a syringe of about 30/ml at a time when she was trying to sleep but this was to much for her and would cause pain and wake her up quite often.
Her one JP is still leaking waste and yesterday the other one that was left in started turning green for some reason but recently went back to normal thank god. The hardest thing about all of this is we are so young and instead of worrying about what to name our firstborn child I am asking questions like if you don’t make it what would you like me to do. We’re would you like to be laid down to rest these are questions no one should have to answer before the age of 50 let alone 30.
I can remember when Ashley first came home after diagnosis and this song came on in the truck and she started crying. Really makes you think about things and how Lucky we are that we both wakes up every day. Every day is a blessing don’t take one moment for granted God bless.
Tim