Platelet prayers worked!! Chemo Monday for me!! :)

Join me on a journey in my hospital….

This was after I was accessed for chemo but had to visit my oncologist in which I was unaware but apparently she wanted to go over my symtoms from the last chemo and blood work to determine this chemo…

^ whats that?!?! Backkkk to my old chemo!!! Sure this does NOT sound exciting… Folfirinox is less harsh as my original chemo drugs which is has much more toxicity and harder on my body and my bone marrow, kidneys and liver. The fact that my platelets went up and and she believes my body is strong enough and can handle it, I feel awesome. It’s great news to be told you can do a hardcore regimen because I’m a hardcore girl… haha! 😉   I’m tough and I say bring it!

In life you need to be tough.  You should learn how to fend for yourself and make good decisions.  This is critical for a good life!  Many times you truly don’t know your strength until your strength has been tested and I’ve heard this numerous times as it relates to my situation.  I’ve always felt I am so strong and I have done so much without any help which has made me the kind of person I am and this year has really tested that and pushed me harder.

I’m getting too sleepy here at chemo… blog later!! xoxo

Happy black friday!! Go purple shopping!! ;) & Art Ginsburg – Mr. Food

Tobys black friday Teddy and I :o)

BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPINGGGG!!!! Got my SHOP on!!! 🙂   I LOVE me some Pentagon city! I love shopping.  My first words as a baby were “mall” and “shop” for heavens sake so don’t blame me!! 🙂   I didn’t need any off brand laptops or cheap tvs, but the little misc stuff I did need I got good deals on and spent 17 hours…. 5:00AM until 10:30PM… haha!  Nice day spent with my love 🙂  and good exercise!! Although I am not suppose to be exercising?  hmm… well my dr.’s don’t read this… as far as I know! ha!

I received a call today from someone who hasn’t seen my since May and wanted a follow-up and I was catching her up but forgot how she remembered me.  She had recalled how skinny and weak I was last she saw me and had my j-tube in my stomach and just dreamed of eating a bite of food.  It’s amazing how much I’ve changed since then! I’ve gained all and more of my weight, I eat obviously, I look better and am so much more active. Today I felt well actually, even after eating too much at the beautiful Thanksgiving dinner I attended last night and didn’t eat all day.  When I don’t eat I feel my best and then forget I have to take it easy and be careful.  I made this mistake in August and was literally running around everywhere when my spleen did what it did so I constantly have to remind myself about that and how I don’t want that to happen again.

It was funny today when I was shopping, actually later tonight and the cashier said I looked like a brunette barbie.  I laughed, first of all because I had no sleep and got ready in 5 minutes this morning and secondly that I had colored my hair blonde since high school and then I go with this brunette look this year and probably have had more compliments than when I dyed my hair blonde???  too funny! 🙂  I just roll with it.  Who doesn’t like a compliment when you are going through enough?  it’s a nice thing.  🙂

I hope everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving had a wonderful day yesterday.  I did! I had a wonderful day and a beautiful dinner with amazing people. I ate TOO much, little bites though and did well.  I am thankful just that I was able to eat, it would have sad if I was in the state where I was months ago and couldn’t even try a nibble. Amen for that!

I also hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!  I have a MILLION things I need to get done, that’s no exaggeration!  I am praying my platelets are high enough for chemo on Monday. I don’t want my 3 day chemo, but I need it, so platelet prayers for me! 🙂

I also wanted to add, since I forgot to blog about it the other day but I’m sure many have heard that Art Ginsburg, “Mr. Food”, died at the age of 81 from pancreatic cancer. This terrible cancer took another life, famous one at that.  How many lives does it have to take before it gets the recognition it needs???  This ridiculously underfunded disease is taking more lives by the day and many famous ones at that as it seems I am hearing it in the news often!  It will soon by the # 2 major cancer killer but it is the ‘NO HOPE’ cancer!!!! I spoke to someone last week who advised it doesn’t get the funding because it’s just SO hard to detect and treat that it’s basically the one that is looked at as when will you die as opposed to how can we treat this etc.  I get there is no cure for cancer but no one understands how pancreatic cancer needs the research to advance its odds, like breast cancer, so badly!!!!   Here is an article I found online about Mr. Food:

Art Ginsburg, who billed himself as Mr. Food in 90-second televised cooking lessons — attracting nearly four million viewers for each, selling eight million cookbooks and presaging today’s proliferation of celebrity chef shows — died Wednesday at his home in Weston, Fla. He was 81.

His family announced his death, which The Associated Press said was caused by pancreatic cancer.

Mr. Ginsburg disdained haute cuisine as irrelevant to the lives of hard-pressed working folks in favor of cake mixes and canned soups. His recipes had 10 ingredients at most, and he shared uncountable timesaving tricks. His “anybody can do it” philosophy held that any home cooking is better than no home cooking. The recipe for his recipes boiled down to this: “The less steps the better; the less ingredients the better.”

Mr. Ginsburg was the son of a butcher and a butcher himself — as well as an enthusiastic amateur thespian — and his appeal rested partly on his often goofy, unaffected manner. His syndicated spots appeared on local news programs and talk shows in the manner of weather forecasts, and were distinguished by his tall chef’s hat, gray beard and bad jokes, but most of all by his legally trademarked sign-off line: “Ooh it’s so good!!”

At his death, his vignettes — of which he made 230 a year — appeared on 125 local television stations, down from a peak of 168 in 2007. He wrote 52 cookbooks, and each month attracted 1.7 million unique visitors to his Web site. He peddled merchandise that included frozen food products, energy bars and gas grills. He endorsed products like spaghetti sauces and sweet corn. His company, Ginsburg Enterprises Inc., will continue; during his illness, an associate had already replaced him on the broadcasts.

A large part of Mr. Ginsburg’s appeal was his easygoing approach, advocating moderation. His advice to dieters: “One piece of chocolate cake has half the calories of two pieces of chocolate cake.”

Happy Thanksgiving!! :o)

💜

^ This was taken of me about this time of the year 3 years ago

HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 🙂

I am so incredibly thankful for SO much!  I was asked this month “why don’t you participate in posting on Facebook every day what you are thankful for?”  Are you kidding me?  I find that SO foolish!! I would not!  I am so thankful each and every day of my life that is extends way beyond this month. I truly did not believe I would be alive to see this holiday.  When I was diagnosed, it was in Feb, but it would have been Januray or December 2011 from how sick I was back then if I am honest with myself. With that said, when I went in and they said how much time I had left (not much) I figured it was shortened even moreso because I had been sick longer than what I said. I suddenly pictured dieing in the spring and all of my family celebrating these holidays without me. I felt terrible for them. Yes, people die every day but just having someone tell you you are going to die so young, much harder to swallow.

As I am so thankful to be alive, I thank my doctors for this along with so many people who have sent me their prayers.  I believe my will to live along with the medicine, my doctors who have put so much though with their education into my specific treatment, with a mixture of prayer and strength I have been given is what really pushes me day to day.  I am thankful for the love of a man who has been with me from High School. I cannot imagine where I would be without him. Over a decade together with the most challenging year of our life this year. He was just 29 years old when being told your significant other of more than 10 years doesn’t have much time left.  Most couples cannot even imagine especially at our age. He was willing to travel any distance no matter what the costs just to get me the best care in the world.  He never left my side that long month plus in the hospital and slept in a chair every day before being upgraded to a cot in which he stayed hour after hour, day after day, week after week. He didn’t go to work and was even sweet enough to eat all of that hospital food they were trying to shove in my mouth! Aww! 😉   I am thankful for the 4-legged beautiful doggies of mine, my boys, who have traveled with us all over the country and have lived in more states than most people have.  They love their adventurous life and they are my world! I am thankful for family and friends.  I’ve had more people reach out to me that I never would have guessed.  I am thankful for many of you that I don’t know that are following my journey. I am thankful that with this horrid cancer and the pain I have, I don’t have all the other symptoms from the chemo.  I do not have cold sores in my mouth, I don’t have that metallic taste when I eat food, I don’t have any affects that you can see on the outside. My skin looks just fine and have gained every pound I lost back and then some. My hair has grown like crazy and I never lost my brows, lashes or any hair on my legs or arms even with a hard chemo!  When you look good, you feel good, so for this I am thankful! I could go on and on about every little detail I am thankful for but I tell God every day and this blog entry would be books long, so just know I am one thankful girl.  🙂

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and appreciates everything they have!  Let it be a wonderful holiday for all!  💜

My spleen needs blood!! :(

My nephew (well bff son) and I at Detroit PurpleStride in Sept

^Can’t remember if I posted this one or not…but I haven’t taken new pics this week so I pulled one from 2 months ago 🙂  (Take new tomorrow)

I got some clarity today about my spleen and platelets. I spoke to my oncologist who advised the cancer is cutting off blood supply to my spleen and my spleen is taking my platelets and the loss of blood supply is causing my spleen enlargement.  Once again, NO SURGERY allowed!  Surgery to someone like myself who’s cancer has already spread is like putting gasoline on a fire. I really need my fire to burn out with water (we’ll call chemo) then to spread and increase.  I was told NO exercise, do NOT over excurt myself and to be CAREFUL.  No lifting, twisting, bending, running, etc.  She said I need to stop running around and “doing stuff”.  haha… wow. What a blow!  What bride doesn’t exercise before a huge day???? Oh, this one! Awesome.  I haven’t dieted, I haven’t “worked out”.  Grr!! I only quoted working out because some people say walking is working out but I believe it’s sweating in the gym and running 10 miles but to each their own! 🙂 I’ll just be a fatty.

To all my friends going out drinking tonight – be careful! Be safe 🙂   I sorta wanna partayyy but… I also want to be a home body. People don’t realize I’m not home enough, ever.  I go to the hospital, a lot, workkk and everything else.  Plus this pain is back at it. It’s ridic!  Oh, to clear things up.. I had a couple friends question why the other day I wrote I was fabulous following saying how I couldn’t believe I wrote that the next day because I was miserable all night.  So – at the time of my posting I was feeling FINE. Good, great, happy just fine but then a few hours passed and I got super sick so I updated how I felt that night. Got it?  I make no lies on here.  If I’m feeling crazy, you’ll know, miserable night… you get my point. No need to fake feelings in writing. 😉

Sooo…I accomplished more today being at HOME then yesterday out and about with my check list with times. Ha! Funny how that happens. The internet can be such a beautiful thing.  You can shop, basically order whatever you want from clothes to food to a gym membership, hell you can order a gym DVD then work-out from home. Who needs to leave home?  Oh! …us working people. 🙂

Random thought – last week someone I me approached me at the hospital with, “Hey! thats the girl that knows all the lyrics to Colt Ford songs!”  hahaha…. random… I love Colt Ford! I received his CD along with Taylor Swifts new one the day they both came out as a present, spoil me more! 🙂

Tomorrow is THANKSGIVING!!! Reminder for those who hadn’t heard….  I hope everyone has a great night tonight and a wonderful day tomorrow! 🙂  xoxo

Spleen Giveaway!!

                          ^On our way home tonight we made one laststop and I spotted a purple dog toy stocking bag which clearly I had to buy for my boys… they love it!  Look at tank ripping it open 🙂

Who out there is in need of a pretty spleen???? I gotta nice big one for sale!! I’ve got an extra one. I don’t need it. Damn thing is causing me nothin’ but PROBLEMS!!!!! The thing put me in the hospital for a week in August after a burst which NO ONE has experienced pain until you experience a spleen burst and it causes you to literally go BLIND from your body going into shock. It was the worst pain of my life and hard to even explain. It’s pretty unreal.  I basically felt like I was dieing, I went blind and couldn’t breathe.  All of the narcotics given to me by IV in the ER wouldn’t even take the edge off the pain. Ever since that happened over 3 months ago I’ve had complications. My chemo had been withheld week after week for 13 weeks while my nurses in infusion tried to administer it and I’m constantly being told, ‘sorry not this week, your platelets are still too low’. Very frustrating!

I checked my voicemails before heading out at 8am only to hear the results left from my bone marrow biopsy on my voicemail. I wasn’t prepared for that one! Sometimes you recognize the voicemail phone number and are expecting to hear ‘its your second home, call us back’ not to hear big news.

So whoooooo out there goes shopping for 12 hours only to buy a few items and not accomplish a list of things I was ready to do as I left my house a little before 0800?? Me me me!!!! Don’t ask. Basically I set out on a mission today, all proud and ready to go with my list printed out that I had done up last night with a time schedule and all and just ONE of my items on my list was checked off today. This item was supposed to be done later in the day and  I might of been able to make it to Martinsburg to get more things accomplished if I stuck to the plan but no. Got sidetracked in Hagerstown, MD and didn’t even make it to West Virginia. Insane!  It’s after midnight, we got home almost 30 minutes ago and now I have to sit online and finish everything.  Why didn’t I just get ready this am (to make myself feel better about getting things accomplished) and then sit my butt on my bed with my computer and do everything from the wonderful web???  No idea what I was thinking.

Oh gosh it’s funny though… It seems like whenever we are places Tim likes to proudly tell people about my diagnosis. I generally hold him back when I can tell he is about to spill it but today we were at a place and it wasn’t until at least 1 hour+ into being there that he brought it up which caught me off guard and I couldn’t stop him. They were completely shocked and had no idea which is the normal response I get. They advised “Wow! I can’t believe it! You look like a normal, healthy, beautiful young girl!”  Yup…. It sure hasn’t affected my outward appearance.

So if any of your are following my story today you may be thinking “ok… You said you got your results…gunna tell us?!” Haha! 🙂 sure…  I was advised today (sum’d up version):
               Ashley, we held a conference today to go over your case. We had the oncogist team, myself (hemotologist), and pathologist team and your bone marrow looks completely fine. The cancer has not spread to it, it is producing fine. It is your spleen. Since your August doing your spleen has been taking your platelets. Your spleen has become enlarged and even if we gave you continuous platelet transfusions… Your spleen would take them.”

Basically my blood is producing just fine and my counts are all great but since my spleen is taking my platelets it’s obviously causing those numbers to be low and my spleen to be enlarged. I’m now having more and more pain from this daily on my left said between my spleen and my pancreas. Not good.  They are only saying that they will keep an eye on it and possibly another CT scan again sooner than later but otherwise surgery is the only option they say, besides possible radiation.  Who knows.  This is all somewhat fresh news. I mean, I’ve been saying for a while ‘ok… well my platelets became an issue since my spleen rupture in August… I know spleen enlargements can be a cause of low platelets… do you think we may have a connection here?!’  but now they are listening.

Ok, it’s late, I need to get to doing online work.  Night y’all! 🙂

Hello world, going strong at 9 months!

hahaha hilarious pic of my chocolate love 🙂

My sweet big boy 🙂

^ These pics were taken today of my pups!  Toby is my sweet, kind, gentle golden and my chocolate lab is just a crazy lovey guy who has such a big personality! 🙂

Thank you to ALL for the awesome “Purple for a Purpose” pics I received!!! You are all amazing and I really appreciate it!! 🙂   I will post them tomorrow, sorry I am too wrapped up in stuff tonight to do it… please accept my apologies 🙂

If any of you are counting, last week was my 9 month from official diagnosis!!!  I always think… where was I a year ago or how was I feeling a year ago today.  Around this time last year (maybe more like a week or 2 ago) we took a nice day trip to the Shenandoah Mountains for a “fall foliage” day and it was hard for me.  I was SO sick on the drive there. We stopped at this place that had a public bathroom before we headed to the entrance and I was just SOOO sick in there.  It was pure disgusting.  Obviously we now know why.  My true symptoms started over a year ago now.  I cannot say if I would have gone to the hospital at this time last year they would have even thought to run a CT scan or I would have been diagnosed.  Odds are they wouldn’t have.  Sure theres always a maybe.  I was getting sick, not keeping food down and losing some weight but then I recall not all days were bad.  I’d have like 3 in a row or so then I’d get better.  I had coworkers poking fun at me like there was another reason I was getting sick, things were going on with my body that were off and sometimes I had thought what they were joking around about was true. It often makes me sad that I waited so long before going in, I let everything progress before I asked for help. I might not have been diagnosed officially this time last year but probably next month or so.  I let the pain and symptoms get so bad. I waited until I physically could not drink a sip of water and I lost so much weight before I drove to the ER and was in SO much pain. No one knew.  I confided in just a couple people that I was getting sick and looking for a quick fix but I never posted online “I’m sick”  “I’m sick again”  “Poor me I’m a sick girl”  ….nope.  Thats not me.  I never had time for Facebook or any silly social network website because I was busy working and obtaining my CPA.

In any case, over 9 months ago I finally went in, I was diagnosed and told if the chemo didn’t take I wouldn’t live 60 days. My time was so short as it was too advanced. The doctors said they would administer chemo as soon as they could get my symptoms under control and I needed to start taking my j-tube (tube though my stomach) feedings better and stop losing weight. I ended up getting down to 90lbs and would dress in so many layers so I wouldn’t look so skinny and gross. I look at myself now and think “wow!”  I have come SO far.  I can’t stop now, nor would I… obviously.  I had SUCH a rough week last week and felt so defeated.  I was so awfully sick.  I recalled telling people “it’s 9 months!!” and they replied “just 3 more ash, just 3 more and you beat the average statistics”  I’ve already beat what doctors said but after a year I will beat the typical statistics.

As I said, Amen last week is over with!!  I had severe blows to my wedding planning and a terrible 3 day chemo.  I took so many oxycodones I’ve run out!  Yes I have a prescription that I need to get refilled but goodness, I wasn’t even taking pain meds for the longest time. I am doing this whole wedding solo and it’s a lot for me.  I am focusing on being back at my job, fighting this horrid cancer all over my body and a wedding in which we are funding – can you say TRUE stress???  I also hung up on the Dr. before they could give me my biopsy results.  The hematologist already believes it probably did spread to my bone marrow but I couldn’t take hearing it officially.  I was going to just crack.  I couldn’t take anymore in 1 week.  It’s all a LOT.  It’s a lot for a girl who is so good at multi tasking and doing everything.  I’ve always taken pride in being self sufficient and being able to fend for myself since I was 18.  It’s hard though with what I am dealing with on a day to day basis that I wish I had more support.  Though – I do have a friend here who had been contacting me for months asking to help, asking to do things, asking if I needed anything and I…. hmm… I wouldn’t say blew her off, I just simply thought ok next week, it’s a bad day, bad time, and most of you know I had a VERY busy and amazing summer doing what I did every year and living my normal life that it wasn’t until I was back to reality that I finally got in touch with her.  I finally made the commitment to see her and hang out and am SO thankful for her.  She is an amazing person and a true pure real honest friend. (love you girl!! )

(haha – side note:  I am not saying I don’t have friends… I have many friends… but I don’t have that many people that are that close to me or can understand and be there)

Today??? How am I doing today????  FANTASTIC!!! :0)    I had a ROUGH terrible, miserable, nasty night last night late after I came home from Martinsburg, WV and I was SO excited when I got home late and in jammies and popped my pills and to bed I was.  I awoke a whole new person!  It’s a new day and a beautiful Sunday and I feel much better! 🙂   Last week is over with and it’s a new week. I am ready to have a dang good week and do the best for my body!  I am not taking to food well once again, so I have to be easy on my pancreas and be very careful with everything I put in me.

One last thing, last week when I shared my little sisters high school essay I forgot to mention she had also contacted me and said “Sis! Do you know 7 months ago you said to me how sorry you were that you were not going to see me graduate from Owosso High School because you would be dead?”  yup! “sis, that was 7 months ago and I graduate in 7 months, do you see how far you’ve come?  you will be there, you will not miss anything”.    This really touched me because I remember just crying and saying how I couldn’t believe I would be dead before I could see my sister graduate.  I taught that little girl how to walk and I was going to be taken before I could see her graduate?  Thats crazy.  Now, yes, I will be there at that ceremony in 6 months from now.  Just thinking that my family along with Tim were watching me graduate.. which doesn’t seem that long ago and now it’s going to by my sisters time in which Tim and I will be there along with my family – of coarse. The following year will be my youngest brothers turn.  Wow the years go by! Ahh! Makes ya feel old 🙂

Don’t forget it’s Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month!!

It’s November!! Tell everyone that its Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month!!

Hello world!!!! I tried so so so hard to make the best of today!! I did my best.  I didn’t go into my work as I wanted.  I did clean, do laundry and showered!

One thing was sure known….it’s Opening Day in Michigan!! (hunting season) haha I sure heard about this enough today.  I heard about todays opening day more than I did in April.  Speaking of baseball, ‘Miggy keeps the MVP in the D’!! Woohoo!! 🙂   and we got Torii Hunter yesterday! whoop!

So back to me?  Eh. I’m not exciting today. As I said, I tried so hard to do things I needed to do but this dang chemo was just kicking my butt! I know my body has to get used to this chemo although it’s less harsh than my last one, it’s still harsh and my body has to get used to it.  I kept getting sick and then I’d get hungry. AHH! So icky!  Thats basically my day.  I tried to do the most while sickly and groggy and just am happy I can chill out now, nice and clean from my shower ( I couldn’t shower since my biopsy Monday because the hematologist advised I had to wait until today so this was a big deal) and relax in my bed of clean sheets/bedding and the smell of my yummy candles glowing.  Love!  I have neighbors over now chatting with Tim and their chatter is kinda like calming background noise because I feel so relaxed now.

Ok people! Tomorrow is “Purple for a Purpose” which is basically something that millions are doing nationwide to bring awareness to pancreatic cancer.  I would LOVE for everyone reading this to participate.  How can you participate?  Wear purple!!  Ladies, purple nail polish, necklace, ring, shirt, earrings, bracelet, undies, shoes… anything! 🙂  Fellas… same things! You can sport purple! Boxers, bands, ties, really doesn’t matter. Be creative!  So just ‘wear purple for a purpose’ whether its for me, for someone else you know, for a celeb you love that has been affected or died etc.  I’m sure many of you will do this and thats awesome!! 🙂  I may not even know this, you may wear it privately and not say but hey at least you and Him will know. If you want to wear it proud then take a pic and send it to me!! 🙂  Send it to my email, friends or family – send me a picture text!!!  I personally think everyone should send me pics of you, a group, your dog, I don’t care but wearing purple and send it to me and let me post it on my blog here.  Please!

Well I must call it a night on here. I simply hope everyone really knows the importance of bringing awareness to pancreatic cancer.  This is awareness will bring the much needed research and funding to this terrible cancer in which needs advancement to save lives!  My life may not be saved.  I MAY DIE from this cancer! I need everyone to be honest and know the truth.  Though my truth is I am going to fight like hell, I feel if anyone can fight this beast it’s me.  I have a rarer form of pancreatic cancer that has spread to my lymph nodes, liver, stomach, bowels, abdomen, cervix and my cysts on ovaries.  I just wanted to remind everyone.  This is inoperable and incurable but which research and funding we can find a cure.

Night all! xoxo

8:00pm…please come soon! PS thank you sis…

^Tim taking pics while I’m getting my biopsy….thanks…?

I feel terrible that I completely forgot to tell everyone about Niagra Falls turning purple for pancreatic cancer!!!!  I came home Monday night (after chemo at the hospital and biopsy) and was here watching it online not even thinking about saying it on my blog…Facebook… Twitter… oops!!  I’m sure at least some of y’all watched! 🙂  It was very cool!

Today was…not an eventful day.  I slept, got sick, and counted down the hours on the clock.  My nurse should be here anywhere in the next 30 minutes (7:30-8pm) to unhook me from chemo. I cannot wait!!! I am ready to stop the poison.  I feel drained. I have other things going on with my body that is making me anemic this week.  So yeah, I am just ready for at least the chemo part of this week to be complete and then maybe things will improve.

I wanted to share an essay my little sister had wrote about me for a class of hers. She received an A+ of coarse. It made me cry when she had sent it to me for approval!   My sister has never really expressed to me her feelings of me, my sickness, our relationship etc. so this was a very nice surprise. 🙂

Never Give Up

Any obstacle or struggle that life throws at me I am positive I can handle. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, or that at times I might want to break down and cry, but I sure as hell can say that I will NEVER give up. I believe that I was placed on Earth for various reasons, one of them being to prove to God that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Eight months ago, I might have not been able to say this. Someone very valuable to me taught me the true meaning of “never give up,” and this person is my sister, Ashley.

In February of 2012, my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis took a major toll on my emotions, considering she is my only sister. It became hard for me to accept the fact that I was potentially losing my sister considering the one year survival rate is 10% and the five year survival rate an astounding 5%. Nearly every night, I cried myself to sleep. The thing that broke my heart the most was thinking about how Ashley felt; knowing her life could be taken away at any second, losing her hair, and not being to live the adventurous lifestyle that she has been used to. However, I am proud to say that Ashley has not and will not let cancer defeat her. Eight months later, she is extremely healthy and active. Her doctors are amazed by how well she is doing; even they did not believe she would live past seven months. On December 1, she is getting married to the man she has been with ten years, the man who provides and nurtures her while she may not be able to, the man I am proud to call my brother-in-law; Tim.

The fact that my sister has outlived what the doctors expected never ceases to amaze me. Recently in our conversation, Ashley said, “I truly believe your mind is very powerful if you believe in yourself and educate yourself. Miracles can happen.” I could not agree with her more. Many times she has been put down, saying she will not live long, that her cancer is only progressing. Ashley has not once let what other people believe influence her. She is hard headed and will gladly show others that they are wrong; that she is capable of all things she sets her mind to.

With so many events taking place in my life right now, I easily become overwhelmed. The other day, I had a difficult Physics test that I knew in my mind I was bound to fail. My teacher did not teach half of the materials that were on the study guide. I wanted to give up studying. “One F, who cares? It’s my senior year anyways.” Then I thought about my sister, and instantly realized I could not let this defeat me. I sucked it up and learned the material on my own, resulting in a B+ on the test.

Whenever I get upset and feel like giving up, I turn to my sister. She is my role model. Ashley taught me how to walk, how to be myself, and the most valuable lesson of all; never give up. I can never thank her enough for this, and everything I do, I will do it for Ashley.

^Thank you sis!  I love you!!

As weak as I feel on days like today I know I can’t give up.  I need to push myself.  I need pull through.  I need to remember I can do this, I can beat the odds. I can do this for myself. I can fight for everyone fighting cancer.  The odds are completely stacked against me which makes me more determined.

My life…

Bone marrow biopsy – check! New Chemo – check! plus home chemo…

^ This pic was taken Friday night at the Bill Engvall  (“Here’s your sign”)  & Gary Brightwell comedy show.  This show was AMAZING!!! SOOOO funny.  We sat 2nd row and I was SO embarrassed because I was literally crying from laughing too hard.  I was 2nd row so literally in front of the guys and was just praying they weren’t looking at me with tears flowing… hahaha! 🙂

So back to reality.  I’m on new chemo.  This folfax (5fu/oxilplatin etc) combo is much less potent than my last treatment but hopefully it’ll still be effective.  Yes many do say this is highly toxic and very potent with many side effects but this is because my last combo drugs were just so harsh most don’t understand.  I am currently on the chemo treatment right now by pump at home.  It was administered at the hospital yesterday of coarse starting at 7am then when it was done I had my biopsy in late afternoon then I went home to get hooked up again in the evening which will continue until late Wednesday night.

Of coarse this morning had to start with problems.  The machine started beeping and everything I tried wouldn’t stop it.  I finally got ahold of someone and the phone procedures provided no such help so a nurse came out to determine my port had blocked up and they had to reaccess me. What a pain.

My bone marrow biopsy!  Ok well after the oxycodones kicked in and some ativan they were ready to do the local anastetha which didn’t feel too good.  By the time they were done with anastetha the other drugs were sinking in and then they were ready to start the procedure the anastetha had kicked in and I was feeling goooood.  😉  I felt the dr. hitting my bone but I really could care less. My drugs made me feel fab and they could do what they wanted.  Tim even watched!  He normally cannot handle any medical situation involving blood but everything he has seen this far with me, I guess he’s gotten over it and watched the whole thing without passing out. 🙂
Then I was done but I wasn’t ready to leave. I was ready for a good 5hr nap.  I could barely open my eyes and walk. What a mess I was! haha.

This morning I woke up to a pile of blood.  I’m like really?!  Apparently between yesterdays incision and this new chemo which could make me bleed easy = incision bleeding overnight through the bandages, gauze and pajamas. Not nice.

This whole pump thing will take some time to get used to.  I get up to go do something and am pulled back…again and again… Oops!

Well I am just tired and crummy feeling and I hope everyone else has a great night!! I do have some very important people I need to mention this week… stay tuned 😉   xoxo

Bill Engvall

Not the best pic I took of him… I didn’t take many pics…

Cancer or cold….not both!

Chemo Monday

It’s Monday – back to blogging! 🙂  M-F operation 😉  Ok, I may through in a Sat/Sun every now and then.

Ok.  My weekend rant is that if one has cancer, they can’t get a cold.  My goodness! I was just sickly this weekend but a mix of head cold and stomach pain from the mass. I had that nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever minus the fever and taking extra meds…oh boy.  I mean if I wasn’t a druggy as it was. I sounded just a mess but unlike Tim, I can shake this quick.  It’s Monday and I’m feeling alright now. 🙂   Little cough, couple sneezes but I sound much better than I did.

That was my weekend!  Ok, well I did get out.  Let’s be real, it would be too nice to just stay home with my kleenex, meds, magazines, movies and hot cocoa.  Nope. Had to be out.  Went out with the girls to Eastern Market on Saturday (girls reading this – sorry I sounded a mess!!! 🙂  ) haha!  I did SO good and didn’t go spend crazy on everything that caught my eye.  Sunday was a waste of day in Fredericksburg in which Tim made up to me by buying my lots of presents.  I love love love getting new slippers, candles, pajamas, scarves oh and he threw in some earrings. It was a “sorry this Sunday didn’t go as planned” presents.

I did miss the football games and the NASCAR fight I’ve heard about…ah.  Amen for the internet! 🙂

So what now?

It’s CHEMO and BONE MARROW day.  I am actually currently sitting here getting chemo as I write this. I have had a change of drugs which we all know is because of my platelets in which went down AGAIN this week.  I haven’t had chemo in over 3 MONTHS because of my platelets.  This is why I am FINALLY getting my bone marrow biopsy that didn’t happen last week and they can find out just WHY  my bone marrow is so suppressed.  Why will it not rebound and of coarse the most important thing is the question of did the cancer spread to my bone marrow or do I have an auto-immune disorder?  I fear both obviously.  I mean if it spread to the bone marrow… well thats self explanatory.  An auto-immune disorder means the platelets are being killed by this as soon as they are made so they are unable to produce and stay alive.

I will get answers this week and in the meantime I am getting this less aggressive treatment (yes I know most pancreatic cancer patients get this and call it “hardcore”)  but it’s not compared to what I had.  I will learn the effects it has on me during this week. I will take home a pump that I will get continuously infused for a couple days.  I find this annoying! Yuk.  PLUS the symptoms of cold sensitivity and neuropathy.  Ugh.  Nothing better than a cold sensitivity treatment as we go in WINTER.  😦    For example, you reach into your fridge to grab something and you’ll feel it so I’d have to wear mittens.  Fun.

Ok well I have my amazing support team here with my (love my nurses, Tim, Madelyn!!! ) and I better visit with them.  I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend! 🙂  ~Blog later!!  xoxo Ash

Waiting in the lobby, Tims bored and taking pictures…

 

Eastern Market Saturday 🙂

 

Pretty pic on Saturday… everywhere you turn in our little town you see our nice US Capitol 🙂