Goodbye 2012!!!!
This has been the hardest post for me…
Ok, let’s just recap for a second on my blog my life of 2012. I rang in the New Year last year with just a few people at my Grandpa Scotts because I did NOT want to go anywhere. I had friends begging and pleading for me to go out with them in South Bend but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so tired and sick feeling and my back killed! This sickness had been going on for a while and I thought I had just been under a LOT of stress and I needed a vacation. Not a ‘I’m in Michigan not in DC’ type of vacation, I mean ‘an a$$ in the sand toes in the water with a cold one in my hand’ kind of vacation.
Looking back now I recall of the times I was sick in the fall 2011. When we were driving out this Christmas we drove past this restaurant in Frederick, MD and recalled how we stopped there for dinner last year while starting the trip to Michigan for last Christmas and I hardly ate and the food lasted in my body until I ran to the car outside and let it all out. I wasn’t keeping food down for months before going to the ER in February??? Wow… not a smart girl. I had different relatives tell me that they thought I looked off last Christmas but didn’t want to say anything. I was off, I had pancreatic cancer. I’ve had pancreatic cancer for over a year!!
February was my breaking point. I had tried everything from acid reflux meds, change of diet and Nexium. I remember shopping in November 2011 in Annapolis, MD and overhearing a girl talk about having stomach surgery for something and I actually asked her about it because I thought there was something up with me. So in February I finally figured something was up and apparently I wasn’t going to be able to fix it myself. I had lost a lot of weight over the months, I couldn’t keep food down, my back was killing me and I was so tired. In days leading up to my ER visit I was doing laundry and had the hardest time. I live in a 3 story townhouse in Washington, DC and my washer/dryer is downstairs and I remember taking the laundry all the way down and just falling into the basket when I got down because I was SO out of breathe. My heart was beating so rapidly. I thought, am I really out of shape??? I know I am not fat but I haven’t been running 5- 10 miles a day like I was and I’m not in the best shape of my life but dang! The next day I was walking upstairs and I felt my chest and asked Tim if his heart races just from walking upstairs. I was also getting sick on everything I put in my mouth.
The days leading up to my ER visit always make me cry. I was sick at work and sick at night. I was in the bathroom on the ground the entire night for days as sick as can be and I would still go to work. After 3 days straight of this I was DONE. I was truly breaking. I finally agreed to get checked out. I said, “Ok, it’s time” Tim and the only others that knew about this had tried to convince me to see a doctor for a while but my stubborn self declined because I am not that girl, I am the girl that NEVER GETS SICK!!! It was late at night, I couldn’t go another day without sleeping and I couldn’t even drink water. We had to go to the ER at that point and I thought I was dieing in the room waiting. I had the worst shooting pains in my stomach.
I finally got checked out and hooked up on water and was starting to feel a little better. The ER doctor said I was SO VERY dehydrated and that was causing the shooting pains. The doctor sat on my bed after almost sending me home with Zophran and Nexium and really wanted to hear when it all began and what all has changed. She said I was very anemic and tried to find out why. They do not give a CT Scan to everyone that comes in but she thought after hearing me out and how confused I was that this sickness wouldn’t go away, I keep losing weight and can’t even keep a drink of water down, just didn’t sound right. I got a scan and after reviewing it I was told “You have a mass in your pancreas”. My first thought was…. “Whats a pancreas??” I was told a surgeon team and GI team would be in to speak with me prior to surgery. SURGERY?! What the?! I thought…. I came in to get a prescription because I need to be back at work in the AM. It’s now 4am and you are telling me I am getting surgery in a few hours?!
Surgery was performed and I was told I had Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. I was not told the severity of the cancer or how much it has spread. I was in SHOCK that I had cancer!!! I never missed a day of school K-12, I’ve always been very healthy!! I’ve been an avid runner all my life. I play sports. I DO NOT GET SICK. This was the hardest day of my life! I had a birthday coming up and I finally decided to get checked out so I could get well again to enjoy my birthday and go on a vacation.
My pancreatic cancer spread to my: Lymph nodes, Liver, Stomach, Cervix, Bowels, major mass on my abdomen from the cancer/ cysts and is in the TAIL of my pancreas, harder to find/treat than the head.
I spent a month in the hospital. A whole month because the doctors were trying to get my symptoms under control. I was getting meds 24/7. I was sick a lot and hardly sleeping. I was learning a million things about cancer in a short amount of time. I never knew what cancer was! I knew my grandma had ovarian cancer and she died from it after many years but I never knew what she meant when she talked about chemotherapy. I didn’t know how it developed, I thought it was just some foreign thing in your body. I figured it was something that mostly happens to old people and I’d probably get it when I was old and whatever. Ya know?
I had a J-tube surgically input into my stomach which I was fed through. I could NOT EAT OR DRINK a single thing from my mouth. I was still losing weight because I wasn’t taking to my tube feedings. They would hurt me and I was only getting in about 10mg per hour when I was supposed to be working up to 100mg per hour which is equivalent to a shot glass. Crazy right?
The following week I had a mediport input into my chest where I would begin getting my chemotherapy. The drugs I am on can not go through any vein like my arm because they would burn the vein whereas my chest it goes through the major vein and travels to all the cells in my body and poisons them. The healthy ones are hurt and the bad ones are as well poisoned with the toxins.
After a month I was released. I was in a wheelchair because I was too weak to walk. I was tired. I was sick a lot. I started getting chemotherapy. I would be sick for a week straight from chemo and would never want to leave bed and slept a lot. I believed what the doctors said that my days were numbered. I couldn’t believe at the time of my life where I had my working my butt off to get up the ladder career wise, I was with the same man I’d been with in High School after all these years and it was time we start a family and settle down in Washington, DC that my life had to do a complete 180. I was so frustrated that I did everything right in my life to get where I was by working hard and this is what I get in return. I was very hurt and angry at the same time. I spent most of my days crying.
This was my life. It changed so quickly over months and by April I accepted this was it. I was going to be a sick girl who was going to die soon. I was going to try to wrap up all scrapbooking and pictures I hadn’t done up because I was too involved in working so that those could remember me and I was going to figure out where I would RIP. That’s me, I like to have control situations. Hello? 911 dispatcher… what do ya expect?
Then – Things changed! It was June, family I hadn’t seen in a long time came out because my cousin made it a priority to see me which I was so happy for! I was starting to eat. I was gaining weight. I was walking. It was summer and I was finally warm and I thought “that’s it!” This is MY LIFE!! No ONE is going to tell ME when I will expire! I control my life not cancer. To get anywhere in life takes what? Hard Work! I am going to work hard to get my life the way it was. I am going to be healthy and cancer obviously doesn’t know who it messed with. I am not cute little weak girl.
Now it’s the summer… WOAH! I’m like a whole new person. I dyed my hair blonde since High School, I thought hell.. how bout I go brunette and start living my life like I always had. I took a vacation like we do every year.
My vacation:
LA/ Hollywood
Laguna/ Newport/ Santa Monica/ Venice and more beaches
San Diego
Palm Springs
Las Vegas
Lake Tahoe
Reno
Yosemite
Sacramento
San Francisco
I saw FRONT ROW – Toby Keith, Brantley Gilbert, Eric Church, Thompson Square, Justin Moore, David Nail, Sugarland and MANY MORE!!! Oh! Also the Detroit Tigers game behind home place in Baltimore… and like a few rows back… Brad Paisley… ummm gosh, so many I can’t remember!! Oh… Sara Evans, Joe Nichols, Parmalee, Dustin Lynch and a ton more! We always go to country concerts every year but this year did even more 🙂
^ Ok… so I’ve been to most of all those places before but made new memories and tried to new things and still had a blast! I was traveling, hiking, RUNNING and had my las vegas nights like I’ve done before. I was BACK!! I was me again!
I am thankful that although I spent a good amount of my savings on traveling and doing things, which I had always done but those were always paid vacations, I did NOT “Live like I was dieing” … I pay for my insurance, I do not get assistance or anything free. I could. I should. I worked for it but I don’t. I am not dieing, I am living. I am going to keep living by making good choices and focusing on my health and figuring out how things changed and how to get myself back. I made it this far so I am doing something right I must say! I beat the statistics by getting pancreatic cancer at such a young age, I beat the statistics by living over a year with pancreatic cancer and I will continue beating the odds.
You will hear most people with pancreatic cancer say they wish they had gotten breast cancer or almost any other cancer really. Pancreatic cancer has the lowest survival rate. Though those that get it caught early like stage 1-3 get the whipple surgery and are very fortunate. This is why I want to bring awareness because if it can happen to me you better believe it can happen to you. Dr. Oz said most people will have diabetes, bad teeth, overweight, drink soda, smokers and drinkers…. I am NONE of those! So let’s spread awareness together!!!
I want to thank all my family and friends and all those I have met throughout the year this year for everything you have done to make me smile and to bring me hope when I thought all was lost. I have received so many e-mails and have read a ton of heartbreaking and inspiring letters that so many have sent me and you all inspire me. I am inspired to try harder, push myself to the next goal and to raise awareness for this insidious disease!
Here’s to 2013!!!! May it bring health, good times, peace and happiness for us all! I will not be bringing in any negativity or hard feelings into the new year… 2013 is MY YEAR!! You can bet your bottom dollar that I will kick butt this year!! ♥
xoxo ~Ashley Marie
Here are some fun pics and videos from Mich…
Cancer Kickin' Girl 