Ok, here is a catch up…. I am posting this now because I am about to go under and hopefully when I wake up, I will be fixed and good to go. HOPEFULLY be able to eat tonight since it’s been a couple days since I’ve eaten and I haven’t drank since last night. Can’t wait for food!
Happy thoughts that I wake up fixed and no rare crazy thing happens!
xoxo ~Ashley
Age 26 – Diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer, I am inoperable/incurable and when Tim asked “How long does she have?” Doctors answer: “Well… it’s bad… a month? maybe 2? ”
Age 27 – Celebrated my birthday, sure I was in the hospital celebrating with my nurses but I was alive. I believed it was my last birthday so did the doctors.
TODAY – Age 28 – Celebrating ANOTHER birthday with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer… YES! Cheers to “more birthdays”
Well I am getting chemotherapy on my birthday today. Many people have said, why couldn’t you switch the days? Well I’m sure I could but I like to get it over with on a Monday. I’ve always had Monday chemos and I was in the hospital celebrating my birthday with pancreatic cancer last year so whatever. Gosh! SO hard to think last year I was so very thankful to just celebrate my birthday as sick as I was but just knowing I was another year older, I could say I lived at least to 27 years old before the pancreatic cancer took me. I did NOT see myself living to see 28. The doctors, my husband, family & friends… I know nobody believed I would. HE had another plan and knew I would when we didn’t. I remember being in the church in my hospital this day last year as I was every day in the hospital and just asking for another birthday. I wanted some kind of sign and I did feel it. I didn’t believe it then but I do now. So many say “you don’t know how powerful your mind is” well… I do. I do know and I am a preacher of the mindset. I do believe in complete education and accepting the terrible hand dealt and playing the cards smart. I don’t know why someone wouldn’t believe me when you see me. I am fine.
This week if you saw me you may say I’m not the best but it’s because I’m getting poisoned today and will not feel great for a couple of days obviously but check me out by the weekend. I’m fine, I have no limitations. If I eat wrong and by eating wrong I say eating something that is harder to digest, even if I took enzymes, it will hurt my left side. If I overdo it physically, it will hurt my left side. If I am a smart girl and eat what I should be and being careful not to overwork my body and irritate it then I am fine. If I get enough rest at night then I am all set. I don’t need to be a brain surgeon to figure these things out. It’s all common sense if you listen to your body and figure out what triggers you to feel a certain way. I can’t wait to see my new PET/CT scan results when I get it done because if I go by how I feel then it may show improvement. I don’t know. I didn’t have any pain on the left side prior to November no matter what I did or ate so maybe there is something going on there but I am still on the same chemo treatment for a year now and have more options if need be. I will only get better I feel from now on because the weather will start changing around soon and getting nicer out and who doesn’t just like nice sunny weather? I will be outside more and getting more vitamin D, longer sunny walks and just improvement overall I feel compared to the dreary cold winter. The summer really helps for patients on cold sensitivity chemo drugs.
Gosh, I had a very very sleepy chemo day today. I normally only fall a sleep for a bit when the nasty Benedryl hits and today I was exhausted prior. I know of coarse it’s because of my lack of sleep since Florida and running on empty but wow! I can never get much shut eye here. Feels good!!! 🙂
My nurses caught me waking up and came and all sang “Happy Birthday” and that is where the pic above was taken… you can see it in my eyes how tired I am.. hahaha! They rock!!! 🙂
I hope everyone had a beautiful February, 18th!!! It was nice and quiet driving on the roads to my hops since it’s a holiday and one really celebrated here with Presidents compared to anywhere else I lived. Tomorrow is back to reality for most.
Xoxo ~Ashley
Happy FAT Tuesday!!!! I was supposed to be in New Orleans today but changed the trip and thank goodness! The weather is not very nice there and I’m happy here. 🙂 I hope all y’all enjoyed your paczkis today! Lucky! I didn’t. I would have had someone brought them to me but I was going to get one myself so I remained good! ha.
I completely forgot to mention yesterday that Sunday morning I received my Washington Post as I do daily and a title caught my attention that read “Dying guitarist Wilco Johnson rocks till the end” and I thought ‘hmm.. I wonder what he is dying from’… of coarse, this article was about his pancreatic cancer diagnosis. I had read about this online but forgot because I didn’t know who he was. He was told he had “months to live”. So was I… over a year ago…? I did like that he stated that he’s been unexpectedly happy and “In fact it amounted at times to euphoria.” You are thankful to be alive especially days after such a diagnosis. It does stop you in your tracks and you start to notice the little things. I remember being wheelchair’d around and noticing everything little from the paintings I found exquisite at the hospital to the leaves falling and flowers blossoming.
Fat Tuesday turned into a BIG FAT JOKE TUES for me! How did my PET/CT scan go? Normally I could say fine. It went. We’ll see what happens. This time it did NOT happen. I was SO annoyed to get a phone call advising my appointment had been canceled because my insurance company had not spoke with my Dr. yet to clarify that this scan was of necessity. I am aware that insurance does clear these prior to having ti done and clear them to make sure it is a need basically. YES it’s a damn need!! WHY hadn’t this been taken care of?!!? It was over a week that this was scheduled and I know it doesn’t take a week and a 1/2 to make a little ol’ phone call. I’m not sure if it’s my Dr’s fault or who exactly the balls court it was in but the fact it this really messed everything up! I am not home the rest of the week and I get chemo Monday so next week is a bad time. I was supposed to have the results by Monday! ah! This has never happened before and it better not happen again! Not a happy camper.
So I am pretty anxious about my trip. I even shortened it because of my anxiety and Tims work. A big part is my dogs. My babies!! So I have a situation with my chocolate bundle-of-love labrador. Ok, at Christmas in Michigan one night we went over to Tim’s cousins house and the dogs stayed at my bestie Jamies and she said she would keep them in her room so they wouldn’t bark in the am because she had to work. All went well and the next day she said “Tank (chocolate lab) has MAJOR SEPARATION ANXIETY!!!! I knew he did to some degree because when the sun sets he freaks out and stairs out side and will bark at little noises if his mom (muah) or dad are not home. When we are home together at night, all is fine. Day time is fine. If one is missing at night – not fine. So leaving him with Jamie that night, she said he whimpered, cried and barked because he missed his parents. Ahh!! Breaks my heart. This is the same dog that LOST HIS VOICE (no joke!) from barking when he stayed overnight at the vet place that took his man parts when he was a puppy. I’m stressing. I know we have traveled a lot, a lot a lot over the years but he has gotten worse especially since I’ve gotten sick and we are all together more than being gone working 24/7. I’ve had him in the best of hands where I payed for him to have pool time in a private indoor pool, massage and the whole 9 and it doesn’t matter. I wish he could (both of them) could just go in my suitcase! 🙂 Ok. I’m done.
Since this week has not been good AT ALL with incidents and hormonal and todays crap… let’s hope I can relax in Florida a little. I need more ativan! 🙂 If there are problems early tomorrow morning at the airport then I am just heading home, going back to bed and not moving until chemo Monday. haha!! Goodbye.
xoxo ~Ashley
I was determined to rid this dang chemo nasty-ness and BAM! Done. I’m golden! Got my energy, strength and craziness back to 100mph! I was up like clockwork at 6am to start work! I planned on heading down to Fredericksburg to pick up things but it was snowing and icky and Tim didn’t want me on the roads, yeah I listen sometimes. I will just be heading there Monday instead. It was a very successful day of work and cleaning and catching up with people, feels good!
I think I mentioned yesterday or the other day about getting a CT scan..? Anyways, I was cleaning out my bag (purple bag of meds, magazines and random things I take to chemo) and found orders in my paperwork for the CT scan. Ha! I swear I wasn’t out of it when I saw my oncologist monday but I don’t recall her giving me the orders? I will get my “PET/CT scan of my abdomen, chest, pelvis with contrast in patient with metastatic pancreas cancer” the week of the 11th sometime (I’m busy next week 😉 ) so I will have the results on the 18th. Let’s hope the scan brings me a happy birthday!!! Ah! Scary.
There is a lot of purple in my neck of the woods and it’s not for pancreatic cancer but for the Ravens. I am certainly NOT a fair weather fan but when it comes to the Superbowl we generally all do choose for one team to win right? Obviously my pick is for the Ravens since they are located right down the road from me! 🙂
So I have heard people complain about their knees since I was a child. It was something I heard from my older relatives and parents. I am making my first ever complaint of my knees!!! I don’t know what is wrong with them! I’ve always worried about them when I was younger and being a long distance runner until I was diagnosed but lately they have been killing after running up and down stairs so often. I am not old and I am not carrying around extra weight so I can’t blame that but I am constantly going up and down stairs and maybe thats it. I was told it could be the shot which no, I don’t think it’s the little shot I have been getting. Crazy! I deal with my left side pain daily which is a chronic nuisance now and will be figured out at the next PET/CT but knees? Give me a break! Oh well. I know I am not that bad, I mean I am still walking and will not slow down or anything crazy like that. I’ve got way too much livin’ to do!
Anyways I saw Tim Mcgraw on GMA this morning and ok first off my first thought was “Why aren’t the people in the front singing along?!” If you don’t know his songs, you shouldn’t be aloud to be in the front! Just sayin’ Next – I always think of “Live like you were dying” and I’ve certainly have had my share of living in my 27 years, I have done so much and seen so much of the great USA and overseas even but I am not done. I always think of “hurry up and do what you gotta do before you go”. I am not going anywhere! I want to see the advancement pancreatic cancer makes at the age of 54 which is twice my age. Crazy to think if you are reading this and you are 54 or over you are twice as old as me, doesn’t seem that old huh? When I was diagnosed so many people sent me the song “I’m gonna love you through it” by Martina McBride which to me was WAY too much. I knew this song and knew all the words well before my diagnosis and never imagined people sending it to me. It was hard and still is hard. Still makes me cry every time and brings me back to when I was told I was that girl. It happened to me. I live my life like normal and don’t dwell on the “C” word. Thats a whole notha’ story I will share next week in how I deal with this.
I have to head out now for a dinner date! I will be back Sunday or Monday to blog! 🙂
xoxo ~Ashley 💜
Well I woke up at 3:30 and realized I fell asleep without setting my 5:00am alarm so thank goodness awoke! Then I was up till 4:30 which who wants to fall asleep only to wake in 30? Ugh well I did.
Blog later!!
Well the PET & CT scan went fine. I had to meet with my oncologist team afterwards and although I didn’t want to know the results, it was inevitable. The scans revealed that the cancer is active and the cells that went dormant are becoming active again. The cancer is in the tail of my pancreas, liver, lymph nodes, stomach, cervix, big mass in my abdomen, bowels and on my cysts. I sorta expected worse, I mean it was in all those places before although I hoped for better. My Dr. advised we cannot wait any longer for my platelets to come back and I will be getting treated on Monday.
Side note – Tim was a nervous wreck!! Any caregivers out there?? Yes I am sure there are plenty reading this and you rock! It is so hard on both side! What made me laugh was the fact that the results were about me and I am the one calming him down, getting him water and trying to get him to be positive. hahaha how crazy?? The one Dr. called us p and j or something psychological?? I know I’ve been called type A but I’m not sure what she was referring to but whatever, we agreed sure.
Just found it funny…
Anyways, I’m tired. Long day along with other things. I’ll have MUCH more to say tomorrow 😉 G’nite!
Cancer Kickin' Girl 