Happy April Fools!! :o)

Jessi and myself 🙂

 

mom-in-law and muah 🙂

US… that guy and me… 😉

^This lovely couple would be US, myself and my husband (Umm… Love the purple?!) at the wedding in Michigan a couple weeks ago!

Before I begin, let me THANK YOU to all the very kind e-mails I received from yesterdays post.  I didn’t think a little posting that was very raw and honest could generate such discussion and especially from my friends whom were so happy that I finally said something because they get after me about “keeping it all in”.  What I wrote was pretty simple and barely scratching the surface.  I could really tell ya more and you would be even more shocked and amazed but let’s just save that for the book or the memoir alright 😉  It will get published, no worries!

Whooooo….What a strange day huh?  I mean, I received a lot of “Happy Birthdays” on my personal Facebook page that I didn’t know what was going on?  I coulda sworn I just celebrated a birthday (2nd year in a row in hospital) in the hospital getting chemotherapy in February.  Maybe it’s chemo brain?

Happy April Fools!! 😉

Laughter is the best medicine right?!  WAY better than that nasty chemo!  Of coarse me being me, I felt bad and wanted to say “April Fools” right away and thank goodness only 65-70 silly people wished me a happy birthday, on my birthday I had over 150+ people wishes so at least some people remembered!  haha!

My birthday is in February and my sign is an Aquarius.  That’s all I know.  I don’t know what someone is in October or August.  I do know April is Aries because thats what Tim is. So this is what my sign says about me:

One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. 

Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions. 

Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. 

Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It’s difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop—they’re generally on top of things.

There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They’ll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. “Be true to yourself” and “Don’t follow the crowd” are mottos we easily associate with this sign.

Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They’ll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you’re quirky and “different”, all the better.

So from what I gather, they are pretty right on.  I am one to go off the beaten path.  Some would say I can be witty, clever, intellectual… I like that. I can be stubborn which is why I’m doing a damn good job in this cancer fight.  “Quirky and different, all the better”?  I like that!  I LOVE the “hard to throw Aquarians for a loop–they’re generally on top of things”.  So true!  Try me, I got it.  Lastly the quote on “be yourself” and “don’t follow the crowd”.. so me! I like people who are honest, themselves, REAL and this is what I try and try to tell the people I mentioned yesterday.  Why try to be something you are not?  Why kid yourself and those around you?  I know I am quirky and dorky and laugh at myself… a LOT.  It’s true.  I’m human and I make mistakes and learn but I can say I am always honest and true to myself. I’ve never taken a single penny I didn’t earn and sure as heck didn’t travel the entire country on anyones dime but mine.  I’ve worked hard and proud of every achievement.  My next biggest achievement will be beating the demon also known as pancreatic cancer.

This day included a wonderful chat with my little sister in which was clear to why she wasn’t here with me right now on her spring break. Sometimes a good talk with a family member, friend, coworker, priest, therapist? whatever you choose, can make for a good day.  To get things off your chest which we know is not a good place to be.

Now it’s the evening and holy moly it was all I could do just to cook dinner tonight, I am SO tired!  Recall all that energy I had last night?  Well that burst lasted until 3:30am in which my antibiotics kicked in which makes me drowsy and I slept a whopping 3 HOURS last night!  Yes, I was up at 6:30, TIRED but my boys wanted to go for their morning walk so me not being lazy got up and off we went.

My husband asked me when he was leaving for work..
“What are you doing today?”
“I have work and then I have to clean”
“Man it seems all you do is work and clean!”    …You think?!  You and my doggy boys are just messy and to keep up with my OCD I gotta clean and then if I don’t work, you won’t get paid and we will have no monies and goodness thats just no good.

My back is killing me right now from all the work I did and I’m tired, so goodnight my friends!  I have to do some business work then head to that bed.

xoxo ~Ashley

Hoppy Easter Sunday!! :-)

Happy Easter everyone!! I hope everyone had a beautiful day in church and a fabulous Easter Sunday! 🙂

My reflection…
Holidays sometimes seem to make me reflect on family.  I am so very grateful for my friends and the amazing ones in my life whom I consider family.  I do get very discouraged when I think of my real family and just how dysfunctional it is.  I know almost everyone I know can say their family is dysfunctional and how they need a good amount of alcohol to get through family events and they can talk about family drama and such.  Yes our family is no exception but sadly mine isn’t even a functional family like most know.  I mean, if I had a daughter or sister …even relative and they had said to me that their beautiful young self was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer, I would be devastated.  I would do everything I could do to be with them, see them and help in every way possible and I suppose that is just the kind of person I am.  I believe in loyalty and trust.

Sadly I don’t have that.  I am very envious when I go to events and I see big supportive groups of families.  I am also very happy for that person.  I know that I have an amazing network of great people who are there for me even if they aren’t blood.  Sure it’s a little different when it is blood.  I mean my family has only came to see me ONE, yes O-N-E, single time and that was when I hospitalized when diagnosed because I was SO very bad off when finally visiting the ER that the doctors didn’t believe I would come out alive.  My husband told my parents that they better see me before I died otherwise they wouldn’t have came.  I don’t know too many who could understand that situation but it’s my family and it’s what I’m used to.  If you know the song “You find out who your friends are” and think of it as people who drop everything to help and would never see whats it in for them, think of the very opposite and that is what I am talking about.  I was the only one who tried to bring everyone together and make things happy but I cannot do it any longer when I am 1000 miles away and in the biggest fight for my life.

I recall when this nightmare began, my world stopped.  Everything just stood still when those words were said for quite a while and life changed in an instant.  I have heard this from so many.  People say “my life stopped and it’s like everyone else was talking about their life and their life was moving but mine stopped”.  Same here!  I thought of how my parents and siblings were going about their day to day life like they have every day while this solely affected myself and my husband, our life stopped and was going in slow-mo as we tried to comprehend it all.

As I said, this is all I know though and for that I have the tough skin.  I am very strong because I wouldn’t know what it’s like to lean on someone, now or ever since I moved out at 18 and have done it all alone.  This whole experience has been done alone.  It has been solely my husband and I.  If it wasn’t for my husband I certainly would be dead. Between emotional support, education and financial it has only been Tim who has done it by himself.  We had to take on this head on my ourselves, educating ourselves and figuring everything out on our own.

My husband even said today, hmm… I wonder if they (my family) would even come to your funeral?   To me I think why?  Why would these people come out of the woodwork to see you when you are dead if they never visited you when you were alive and lived in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, Virginia and Washington, DC?   Ehh but if you think about it how would they know if I’m alive or dead now?  I mean they don’t reach out to me whatsoever nor visit, I suppose they stalk me on Facebook.. ha!

With that said, never take what you have for granted if you are fortunate enough to have amazing family in your life.  I do not take those around me for granted and I try to show everyone that comes into my life (and stays there.. haha!) just how appreciative I am.  My in-laws are amazing!! I also have my friend Jamie and definitely take her family as mine (love you hun!! xoxo).

Reflection done…
My reflection is DONE!  Sometimes I gotta throw in a serious topic, ok actually this whole fighting is SERIOUS more than probably anyone could understand but…..back to my reality.  Reality is that Easter dinner has not been pleasant on my body!! Oh no no, my pain is just acting up like crazy and  I’ve taken enough pain meds and still in pain.   Not fun! Easter was so lovely although it is rainy and cold here in DC and yesterday was the kite fest downtown which is part of the Cherry fest… very good and blessed weekend. 🙂

Then guess what?!? Tomorrow is April FIRST!!!!! haha, I am just so excited because though things changed and I get to spend some time home… AMEN!!!! It is going to be such a great month!! I pray and pray for it to be a good month for me and my changes in this blog will happen!!  I want to change it up in terms of recipes and helping those new to my blog understand pancreatic cancer moreso… like how a pancreas works!  Also about a CA19, the Whipple that I would be SO fortunate if I’m lucky to have one day, etc.  Just want to make it all cooler and also how a little more of my world.  I mean, you don’t think I post everything on here do you my silly friends??  No way!  I only post 1/8 of my daily life, daily, so maybe I’ll add a little more. I actually find video blogs easier so video blogging me making my cancer kickin shakes and cancer kickin exercises (uh oh.. I’m on to something!) as well as fun stuff to do!    Ok….. done being a ramblin’ man!!

One more thing!  My mom texted saying her and my dad had a dream about me last night which is funny because Tim said he had dream about me last night too, actually he woke up in tears because in his dream I DIED!   Not even from cancer though.  Geez, anyone else have any bad dreams about me?!  Goodness!  I’ve only had one bad one which was a while ago and it was about my little sister dieing, that was terrible!    I have SO MUCH ENERGY tonight even though I hurt. Strange huh??  My constant chronic pain comes from my spleen which I will do a video blog on for everyone to understand my spleen situation and to once again reiterate why I CANT have surgery to have the useless thing removed. 🙂   The energy isn’t even from sugar either, I promise!! haha 🙂  I guess I am looking forward to the new month as a new year with lots of good things to happen and accomplishments to be achieved.  I hope everyone had a marvelous Easter weekend. 🙂

xoxo ~Ashley

Happy December 26th!!! :)

^ This is Elijah… my husbands cousins child that we saw tonight… can you say CUTE??   He loved the tractor we brought him tonight and we bought him it knowing he loves combines, dump trucks etc but goodness I didn’t know he owned everyone out there…. haha!! It was soooo cute!!! He’s just precious.  🙂

Ahh…. I love today!!!!  I love Christmas.  I love the season and what it means and the spirit, shopping, music and generally people.  The past few years has been different.  People have been more stressed out and it seems as if there is more drama in families.  I wasn’t even invited to the Christmas party on my parents side this year which says a lot but in the end I was at partys on the other side of my family and had an amazing time!  No sitting around talking about people which is actually a deflection off ones self…  we instead made fools of ourselves in the games we played and had a great time and I was in a LOT of pain… from laughing!! 🙂  Perfect!

Today is great because although the month was full of happiness for me, it’s also good to take a load off my back with the holidays and all the events.  It’s done and today was my day to SHOP!!!!  I went shopping with 2 of my favorite people and we did our fair share to say the least! I hit some amazing sales.  I joked that I found the cure to cancer!!! SHOPPING!!  Ok not a cure but it took all my pain away seeing those awesome red tags and 70% off signs! I was all smiles 🙂   We hit the Meridian Mall and a few places after and finished the some yummy not-so-good-for-you food in Williamston, MI.

Tonight was spent at a family members house and we had a great time as always!  Bad part of the day?  Driving 20mph back from the mall and to the family members because of the SNOW!!! I said I love the white stuff, I truly do.  I love all seasons and appreciate them and make the best of them all.  I do not like driving in the snow snow especially the first real snowfall for the year where Michigan drivers forget how to drive in it, they eventually remember after a while but I reeeeeally want to make it back to Washington, DC.  I’m not worried about my car getting hit (maybe while parked, I don’t need an injury) because I’m in the market for a new FORD but… I need to make it home sweet home!

Pretty sure my Oxycodone and Dilaudid are kicking in….hope everyone had a great Dec 26th!

xoxo ~Ash

Merry Christmas!!

 

                                     MERRY CHRISTMAS

Man, I cannot believe its Christmas! I believe it but again when I am bored and looking at my phone occasionally I’ll find myself scrolling through the photos and what a change I’ve been through. I’m excited for December 31 and to close out 2012 and welcome a brand new year! But I do live in the moment every day and am thankful for life every day and its Christmas and I am so thankful I am alive and for the most part am doing well. Christmas hasn’t been about presents and what I’m getting for many many years now. I’m in my mid 20s and have appreciated all the wonderful moments and memories I’ve made along the way. Christmas has been about family and this year the word family means so much more to me then any other time in my life. When you think of family you may think of your brothers, sister, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts & uncles etc. or you may think of the word dysfunctional, crazy, etc … Ok, I’m kidding 😉 but I’ve realized what family is. I may not be fortunate enough to come from a big great supportive family.   I know I don’t and I’ve had a lot of resentment in this past year to that little known fact for everything I’ve done for them but I’ve really come to terms with it and have let a lot go. Sometimes you have to let go of the bad in your life and when that’s “family” so be it.  I know now family isn’t always blood, it really is simply amazing people who are in your life through the good and the bad, the people who are always there for you when you are in need and the people who love you for you. Also not the ones that come out of the woodwork after quite some time and now just want to catch up because of a diagnosis.

I have different families. I have the people I am close to like in-laws and that side of the family and  and I have my purple family which most I obviously met this year and besides the common denominator we have being some sort of relationship with pancreatic cancer, I’ve met some of the most amazing human beings. The people who have such great hearts and really bring out the best in you. The people you surround yourself with define you. I’m surrounded by people from all walks of life and that does define me. I appreciate a good person whom you can trust their word or a handshake. You don’t find that very often these days and its just the way it is. I know I’ve had some underlying tones in previous posts and more than anger I’ve had hurt and disappointment. This is why I’m choosing to really take the reins for my life. No doctor or person is going to tell me I only have so long… In which I’ve far passed that sooo… What’s the timeline now?  I have total charge (ok, so I need their help of coarse! 🙂 ) and I will make my future. I will continue to surround myself with my definition of family and continue to progress as I have been! 🙂

For many who haven’t followed me for the 3 months since I started this maybe don’t realize I did not plan to see Christmas. Nobody saw me living for much long after my diagnosis which to me was my breaking point. I should have gone to the hospital severalonths before I did and would have been diagnosed but ya know, I’m stubborn and didn’t. 😉 I am here though! I’m alive and kickin and moving and… Groovin? Haha ok…. I know I say it often but please believe. Believe in yourself, believe in miracles. I would never advise religion on here or even believing everything happens for a reason although I have my views, I understand where those of you are coming from that have wrote me emails. Believe you can do whatever you set your mind to!

With that, I must say… Merry Christmas!!!  I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed holiday!!   ♥  ♥

xoxo ~Ash