Happy birthday to my best friend and love!♥

Me… getting chemo on Friday… hate chemo

Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. – 1 Corinthians 15:24

Happy birthday to my best friend and husband!!  It’s so crazy that I can recall our teenage days together and how much fun we had being crazy teenagers and I watched him turned 20 then 30?! Wow… time flies!!

Last year was Tim’s big 3-0 and I really wanted to celebrate it although I was not well at all.  I tried.  I couldn’t drive to go shopping, I couldn’t eat but I still wanted to take him out.  He took the day off and we spent the day together just driving and doing stuff he wanted to do then I convinced him that he should have a nice birthday dinner wherever he wanted.  He wanted to although he knew I couldn’t eat and didn’t want to look odd while I sat there watching him eat, drueling as I wished I could eat.  Well I ended up ordering a soup thinking I could just have a few little sips…this ended up being a major mistake.  I was absolutley miserable and even asked for my life to end.  I wanted to be done.  I didn’t think I could handle it anymore.  The pain I was in was absolutely excrutiating and I even knew we had firearms and the thought crossed my mind.  When I was first diagnosed and for months prior, I would try to eat or drink and it simply wouldn’t stay in. I would be sick immediately. This time last year, last April, my body was taking in the food, like my bite of soup, but when my body went through the “breaking down” process, the pain was beyond belief.  I did make this mistake more than once just craving a bite, wanting a sip and then I paid the price as I would be up all night long in insane pain and crying. I believe this was the last time I made this mistake last year and learned to not eat or drink no matter how much I desired to.

What a difference a year makes! Now I can have whatever I want although my stomach is sensitive. There are things, such as frozen food, that my body doesn’t tolerate and I simply stay away from it.  It’s actually hard though because I try to follow my strict diet that I believe has helped me in the progress I’ve made although I often lose weight and that is certainly not my goal.  It’s challenging to make meals that are very good for you but high in calories.

I wanted to clarify from messages I received regarding me not being able to eat after chemo or feeling ick.  It’s simply that nothing sounds good and the taste of food is appalling. I have to just let the chemo drugs run through me and after 2-3 days I can eat again.  I don’t get sick, I have premeds that prevent me from being sick and yes I feel nauseous but that is only if I want to try food or am so hungry.  It’s kinda hard to explain unless you have received my specific drugs and can understand.  It’s the same process every treatment and I basically just have to deal with it, which I’ve been doing well for quite some time now. 🙂

Anyways, off to dinner (well, getting ready sorta since I’ve been ready for the past couple hours… where are you Tim?!)  and maybe something else depending on when Tim gets home.  Yes he is working on his b-day. If we weren’t going out of town this weekend he would have taken it off but he doesn’t have time to take off that much.  I mean, hell I had chemo on my bday (spent the last 2 birthdays in the hospital) and I always worked so he’ll be ok… haha!

Happy Tuesday everyone! xoxo ~Ashley  ♥

PS… thank you for all the sweet emails and comments about me being back, holy cow I was so shocked and amazed how many people care! 🙂   I was only gone a week but it seemed like forever.  Thanks to all my readers for being so amazingly sweet and supportive!! 🙂

It’s my BIRTHDAY I’ll cry if I want to…. in Chemo….

Age 26 –  Diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Pancreatic Cancer, I am inoperable/incurable and when Tim asked “How long does she have?”  Doctors answer: “Well… it’s bad… a month? maybe 2? ”

Age 27 – Celebrated my birthday, sure I was in the hospital celebrating with my nurses but I was alive.  I believed it was my last birthday so did the doctors.

TODAY – Age 28 – Celebrating ANOTHER birthday with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer… YES!  Cheers to “more birthdays”

Well I am getting chemotherapy on my birthday today.  Many people have said, why couldn’t you switch the days?  Well I’m sure I could but I like to get it over with on a Monday. I’ve always had Monday chemos and I was in the hospital celebrating my birthday with pancreatic cancer last year so whatever.  Gosh! SO hard to think last year I was so very thankful to just celebrate my birthday as sick as I was but just knowing I was another year older, I could say I lived at least to 27 years old before the pancreatic cancer took me.  I did NOT see myself living to see 28.  The doctors, my husband, family & friends… I know nobody believed I would.  HE had another plan and knew I would when we didn’t.  I remember being in the church in my hospital this day last year as I was every day in the hospital and just asking for another birthday.  I wanted some kind of sign and I did feel it.  I didn’t believe it then but I do now.  So many say “you don’t know how powerful your mind is”  well… I do.  I do know and I am a preacher of the mindset.  I do believe in complete education and accepting the terrible hand dealt and playing the cards smart.  I don’t know why someone wouldn’t believe me when you see me.  I am fine.

This week if you saw me you may say I’m not the best but it’s because  I’m getting poisoned today and will not feel great for a couple of days obviously but check me out by the weekend.  I’m fine, I have no limitations.  If I eat wrong and by eating wrong I say eating something that is harder to digest, even if I took enzymes, it will hurt my left side.  If I overdo it physically, it will hurt my left side.  If I am a smart girl and eat what I should be and being careful not to overwork my body and irritate it then I am fine. If I get enough rest at night then I am all set.  I don’t need to be a brain surgeon to figure these things out.  It’s all common sense if you listen to your body and figure out what triggers you to feel a certain way. I can’t wait to see my new PET/CT scan results when I get it done because if I go by how I feel then it may show improvement.  I don’t know.  I didn’t have any pain on the left side prior to November no matter what I did or ate so maybe there is something going on there but I am still on the same chemo treatment for a year now and have more options if need be.  I will only get better I feel from now on because the weather will start changing around soon and getting nicer out and who doesn’t just like nice sunny weather?  I will be outside more and getting more vitamin D, longer sunny walks and just improvement overall I feel compared to the dreary cold winter. The summer really helps for patients on cold sensitivity chemo drugs.

Gosh, I had a very very sleepy chemo day today.  I normally only fall a sleep for a bit when the nasty Benedryl hits and today I was exhausted prior.  I know of coarse it’s because of my lack of sleep since Florida and running on empty but wow! I can never get much shut eye here.  Feels good!!! 🙂

My nurses caught me waking up and came and all sang “Happy Birthday” and that is where the pic above was taken… you can see it in my eyes how tired I am.. hahaha!   They rock!!! 🙂

I hope everyone had a beautiful February, 18th!!!  It was nice and quiet driving on the roads to my hops since it’s a holiday and one really celebrated here with Presidents compared to anywhere else I lived. Tomorrow is back to reality for most.

Xoxo ~Ashley