Sick duck

Me last summer at Joshua Tree

Tim wouldn’t let me hike up there for fear I’d “get hurt” and could die before a paramedic arrived in the park where I don’t think we even had cell service

^I am posting these pictures from last summer (YES  as my old blonde self!) because they were taken at the Joshua Tree National Park and we were watching the Bachelor the other day and saw they were there and both said “hey! we’ve been there!”  haha 🙂   Been there done that…   fun times!

This morning I just felt like one sick ducky.  My stomach is empty and it’s pure acid – so gross! It was crazy last night my body acted like it was so dehydrated!  Chemo or cancer?! I was drinking water by the gallons, it was pretty insane.  My veins did show I was plenty hydrated but my body said differently, couldn’t drink enough water.  I have this water jug in the fridge where I cut up fresh organic lemons and they go in the center canister so the lemon distributes evenly throughout the water and Tim says “Hey, did you see I filled up your water?” and haha yes I did bless his heart but I was only craving water with no lemon.  I certainly do not drink D.C water!  haha.. oh fun stuff…

I am bouncing back now or at least I am making myself! 🙂  I can’t stand being down for long and I think I’ve said before but chemo does not get any easier.  You think in the beginning that it is a total shock to your body – which it IS – but you do think you will get used to it and things will improve.  Things have and I have but it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier. I am so fortunate that I am still on treatment A (or Plan A) for about a year now and haven’t developed any of the long term side effects.  In time patients can develop neuropothy and other problems in their eyes, ears, stability and thought process (neurological).  I still exercise my brain daily because although “chemo brain” is the real deal, I really don’t want to lose any of my sharp-ness.  😉

I think the worst thing, at least being a girl (more hormonal aka cranky), is when you are sick and people ask you to do petty things.  You think “really?”  Get outa here!  This probably doesn’t pertain to anyone reading but some advise to those that know anyone that gets chemotherapy – don’t ask them for favors right after they go through that hell.  I was nudged on words with friends and I wanted to throw my phone.. haha!!  Ok, not really but that only makes me want to play when it’s about forfeit time, really people!

I still have this really ridiculous pain on my left side (spleen/pancreas) area.  It’s pretty annoying because I feel if this is working so well then why do I have this pain?  It’s not pain where I need morphine but dilaudid makes me tired and oxycodone/cotin doesn’t cut it nor does the fent patch. I believe I am getting another CT scan after my next treatment since it has been a while.  My oncologist believes the mass in my stomach has gone down and I have more “muscle tone” which I don’t understand.  My stomach has always been small and my ribs would stick out when I lay down so I am not sure where she is feeling the muscle town under the mass when I lay flat with the mass sticking out?!  ha.. confusing?  yea.. just hope my next CT shows some improvement where the cancer has metastasized.

Well I returned home this evening to see my house in need of some tlc.  I mean I clean rigorously everyday and my chemo week when I am sick it just seems to fall apart.  haha ohhh man!  I really don’t know how these 3 boys would live without me?!  The 4-legged ones have toys and blankets everywhere!!!!  They have more toys than a lot of children, how sad.  The big boy has never figured out that the dishes don’t get into the dish washer by themselves and “doing laundry” doesn’t end at the dryer.  Yes, yes I know I have been dealing with this for a decade or more but I don’t know how I lived when I was hospitalized for a month and bedridden for additional months.  I was truly sick to even live in a mess, ahh!  Take care and I’ll plan on having a faaaabulous Friday tomorrow!!!  I feel it in my bones and no it’s not this neulasta shot!!

xoxo ~Ashley

Tired but alive…

This morning I woke up and the first thing I saw was the hospital band on my left arm from Monday. Ugh!  Gross.  I woke up only to my dogs.  I guess my husband snuck off to work, he said he didn’t sneak but I was wiped out and didn’t hear a thing. I know I always dread chemo Mondays but it truly is the day or days after that are generally the worse.  I can normally muster up the morning of chemo and feel good going into it with some kind of ‘kick butt’ attitude and ‘yeah bring on the day’ …of sitting in a chair for 12 hours.  Ha!  Yes, psych myself out and then the day goes on…and on.  I call it an early night because, well I spent all day in hell and I get home at night and the poison is hitting me and I’m done.

Tuesday rolls in and I generally don’t have a recelcation of Tuesday.  I am so drowsy and exhausted.  I can’t eat and it’s all I can do to drink water and flush my body. It’s so hard.  You do have those thoughts of “is this really worth it?”  “how long can I continue this?”  the doubt kicks in when you are feeling so miserable.  I am a tough cookie but it happens.  When I woke up my stomach was grumbling and I felt so hungry but as always, I was scared to eat.  I generally can’t hold food down until Friday.  Actually I am never even hungry Tues or Wed. and start to feel it on Thursday.  I’ve had some girlfriends who thought that would be nice to have this appetite suppressant but it’s not nice.  I feed my body for fuel and when I can’t give it fuel I feel even more drained and exhausted.  Tim used to even try to give me sweets and anything sweet is the very last thing I want when I am this sick.  I do not have much of a sweet tooth to begin with so keeping that away is no problem whatsoever in my life.  I simply feel weak.  I feel beat down. It’s a horrible feeling.

I just got home from the hospital. I had to get my neulasta shot again although my white blood count was pretty high this time. I still haven’t felt the effects from it that I have heard so much about.  I’ve had it a few times and have yet to feel that “achy bone” or “hurt” feeling.  I don’t know… I take things differently thats for sure!  Well, it’s time I have to call it a night!  I got around today and got things done and thats a lot from 36hrs after a 12hr chemo!  I’m done. 🙂  Amen for American Idol and one big beautiful bed!

xoxo ~Ashley

PS!  To all that have commented or email (many emails!) – I will try to get back to you tomorrow!! please forgive me 🙂 xoxo

Oh ChemO… no fun!

Helllooooo!!!! 🙂 🙂   I am trying to be upbeat as possible while getting chemo!!  I was going to do videos to show what a typical chemo day is for me but I was running late this morning and had an unscheduled visit with my oncologist who had to see me after I was accessed so no big surprise that that didn’t go as planned.  Next time I will!!  I have been asked to do this by many, some who have no connection with cancer, some younger people or some who know people that have cancer but have no idea what they mean when they get chemo.  I was that person.  I don’t have a family history of cancer but my Grandma is the only one I knew of with it and she passed in 2007 after a long fight with ovarian cancer.  When grandma told me she was going in to get chemo I just assumed it was some medication that she was going to take, kinda like another office visit that most her age have on a weekly basis.  I had no clue. So again, I will do the videos next time.

My oncologist is still happy, amazed, shocked and surprised by my response and improvement that I have made.  WooHOO!! Always happy to impress! Kickin’ PC butt.

As I said, I am currently hooked up and the toxic liquids are going into a major vein through a port in my chest (if you can see of the picture above).   I am doing good!  I am feeling just fine and only wish this feeling would last all week. Sadly I anticipate feeling pretty miserable tomorrow and the following day.  So please don’t be shocked if you don’t hear too much from me this week.  I check in to say I’m alive but other than that I feel dead.

I get the ol’ nasty Benedryl in my pre-meds and this makes me fall asleep so fast after the drips start pumping in me which I don’t like.  I don’t like this because I can’t control it and it makes me feel gross.  I was out  for a couple hours and woke up and felt so nasty sweaty.  I wasn’t actually sweaty but I just on fire.  I am not sure since it’s snowy outside if they have the heat up or if its just me?  Normally I am wrapped in blankets but not today.  I always keep water next to me because I always have that “I NEED WATER NOW” feeling periodically throughout my treatment.

I have over 10 hours done!  Should be out of here by 8pm.  I wish I could try that awesome stew I started slow-cooking yesterday.  I hate that when I make something great or have stuff I want to eat but after getting treatment eating is the last thing I want to do and I feel too nauseas days after chemo to eat although I feel hungry… oh it’s the worst.

Today while getting treatment there was someone from the research/study group come to see me.  They wanted tubes of blood for the study as well as mouth rinse and measurements of my body.  Although the measurements don’t change I thought in my head how if I weighed myself tonight and then on friday there would be a 10lb difference.  I gain pounds from receiving all this liquid and then it’ll go through me as I flush my system with water and my loss of appetite for a few days, I don’t get enough calories in.  Ha… just random thinking!  The study is for research on pancreatic cancer and possibly in hopes of some type of pattern of what people are doing and the connection with the cancer.

It is time for me to say “Goodbye” to everyone reading this!  Or goodnight?  I am going to wrap some stuff up and do something… who knows what until I can get out of here and head home! 🙂

One last thing – I had a dream I was getting chemo on my birthday (which I will be) and I fell asleep (like I did) and woke up thinking I’d have some sort of ‘Happy Birthday’ message but nobody remembered… haha! So sad.  I’m not a kid or anything but for some reason I was sad in my dream that nobody cared… hahah oh my…

xoxo ~Ashley

PS Below of pics of me here today at chemotherapy.  Tim likes to take pics of me every time I sleep… I really don’t know why.  It’s not cute.  haha! but! I want to show the awesome purple blanket I received in the mail from the Purple Project.  This is a pancreatic cancer charity. Thank you for sending me this Dino!!!! Love it!! 🙂  I will bring it every time with me!

I’m sleeping… stop with the pics. But look at my purple sweater, bag and blanket! woohoo!!

The day after chemo….

Oh as much as chemotherapy sucks I must say that the day after isn’t any easier.  I feel like I received 200% of my drugs yesterday.  The day didn’t seem as long, a typical 12 or so hours, but seemed to go.  I felt like crap by the end.  Today I feel MUCH worse, as usual.  It’s hard.  I feel so big and cannot eat or drink yet I know I have to hydrate hydrate and then drink some more water.  Everything sounds gross and tastes equally as bad.  I’ve been trying to drink as much as possible and Tim has made me popcorn just for some calories.  I do like my chemo days on Monday because I can have a nice weekend prior, get it over with at the beginning of the week and have a fabulous weekend following chemo.  My post is short and sweet today because I feel dead to the world and my bed and water with lemon along with some movies is all I need for a good Tuesday.  Don’t worry, I should be better tomorrow and have to go to the hospital for an AM appointment so I will have to leave this fabulous bed of mine, haha.. what a shame huh?  I even have real work to do, goodness.   With that said, I have to remember my CA19 was an awesome 21, I have to get scanned soon to see how the cancer is doing everywhere else throughout my body…. 2013 is still mine! 😉   Have a great night!

xoxo ~Ash

3 months of blogging…progress made.. but to end or continue?

Who took their 10 month in chemo like a trooper again?????  hahah! Last night I was like SHOOT ME NOW, like always because when you are getting that many hours of fluid… you feel ginormous and you feel bad for all your healthy cells that you just poisoned and it makes your body hurt!  I wasn’t sure from going without chemo… reminder I was NEVER on a “chemo break” .. I was on a “My blood counts were too low too allow chemo”  then I got Folfirinox then back to my 3 drug chemo which I’ve been back on now since last month but had a gradual dose increase to watch my blood and wasn’t sure how yesterdays would go but DAMN!  Not too shabby!  I try my best to lay low.  I have a hard time not doing anything so that makes it difficult.  I just wish it was rainy or so cold or basically terrible outside so that I feel better about being in, but does it ever work out that way?  Ha.   My pre-meds do prevent me from getting sick but I’m not dead to the world or anything.  Then…. I get hungry like I really want to eat but if I try something I feel grossed out and sick and can’t eat, what a lose-lose!!

Also, my left side spleen/ pancreas tumor pain has subsided since the toxins hit it!  That’s a plus! Those cells were burned!  😉

I obviously do not get a lot of comments on this blog but I do get a lot of messages and e-mails and for that, I thank you all!   With that said, I have been thinking about going back to how I’ve always dealt with things and in a more private manner.  No one had a clue I was sick last October.. November.. December 2011 because I kept it to myself, which unfortunately the disease was spreading and progressing as time went on without the tlc it needed.  When I started this blog I had pictured the young girl in her hospital room looking out and wanting someone to talk to who could understand and someone she could look to.  I remember so many days of being in the hospital and just looking around and wondering how my life did a 180 overnight and why am I the youngest one with this disease at this stage, spread to the extent mine did.  I prefer to compare apples to apples.  Anyways, I have a couple of good pc friends who one is fighting stage 4, same as myself who I adore and we are going pancreatic events together in 2013 and one who beat stage 4 pc and I truly admire that found out more about me and have been able to keep in touch from this or FB and for that, I’m so thankful!  On the other hand, there are other reasons I’d like to delete it all and the people who shouldn’t get their info about me from the internet will have to get ahold of me the normal way (if you’re thinking “huh?” then this doesn’t pertain to you 😉  ).   So there ya go.

I might as well continue at least for the next week days since thats all we have left, right Mayans??  haha!

I hope everyone had a Happy Tuesday, be happy.. think positive.. things will work out.

~Ash xoxo

But you don’t look like you’re getting chemo or have cancer…

^ Got bored….what can ya do….

IT’S TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!

Ok, no the cancer isn’t gone, that’d be celebration of a lifetime you can bet that BUT my blood work was all up!! All counts in the normal range and those darn platelets that hadn’t worked with me in months went up to the highest they’ve been since the Spring!!!!

I am currently sitting here getting infused.  I’m on social media sites trying to waste time and everyone in the hospital has asked to see my pics, haha! I am trying to keep occupied because A – I hate being here and B – I get so bored. I stayed awake almost the entire night just so I’d sleep the miserable day away and of coarse I’m wide awake. Go figure right?

Treatment appt start at 7am, got my amazing blood work results and the nurse advised “You need to go see your Dr. (oncologist) now!”  I’m like wait, what?!  whaaat did I do???  I left, accessed of coarse, to see my Dr. and she just wanted to go over things.. basically for now I am seeing her every time I get chemo as opposed to making a special trip here which is always helpful. She just wanted to go over my blood work, treatment, drugs & dose.  Most importantly, how am I doing!   She advised again “You are on the toughest chemo and you are tolerating it so well, this is not a normal pancreatic regimen and people normally don’t handle this like you are and you look so good!”  Who doesn’t LOVE hearing nice things from your doc??  She feels after all these months that my cells are still sensitive to the chemo and therefore working.  This is an unusual case, I get that, so would the results or effects on me be typical whatsoever?   Right?!

I’m basically Iron Woman when it comes to cancer.  You can choose to believe it or not… but I will WIN this fight, the proof is in the pudding… 😉

Update – shortly after starting the post, Benedryl came and knocked my butt out! Not for too long but a nice cat nap!   I have 11 1/2 hours done… cannot WAIT to get out of here!!! I am feeling that nasty gross feeling of chemo, cannot describe it into words just know it’s horrible. I am ready to be home curled up in my bed loaded up on water to flush my kidneys and liver and body of the toxic.

The last chemo my dosage was lowered because of my blood counts, although they were better and I could up my regimen my doctor didn’t think I could go 100%.  After going over symptoms, feeling and how I looked along with my results they brought my dose back up…let’s attack you hard!!!    This will test me even more because the feeling makes me want to rip my eyes out! I will be down tomorrow but hopefully can rebound shortly thereafter.

Happy Monday everyone!!
xoxo ~Ash

PS… I may shut down my blog.

Wedding cont…

            ^Here are some pics that were taken with my camera by others…. I don’t have too many but I love them all  ♥   ♥

Still in wedding heaven 🙂   My dress was perfection, there was a lot of PURPLE and guests even wore a purple ribbon, the cake was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and  the food was divine …it was nice showing our Michigan family what good food taste like!  It was joyous. 🙂

Back to reality, honeymoon was delayed because I had a switch in chemo which changed my schedule and actually had me in the hospital on Christmas Eve and New Years but since that switch lasted a whole one time and I went from the Folfirinox/5Fu combo back to my harder combo, schedule changed again.  It was delayed until next month although we have an outing next week.  It’s funny because we have traveled everywhere a ton of times and when you hear family in Mich last weekend and they’ve all never been out of the state get all excited about every state they get to just drive through… makes you smile.

Tim was actually back at work yesterday, no time off, and he gave me a nice long work list like I have nothing else going on.. hah!  I’ve always worked my job and run his business so I guess technically I’ve always had at least 2 full-time jobs. Exhausting!  Some have asked me if maybe the stress of being a 9-1-1 dispatcher and how I bottle everything in over the years led to cancer.  Who knows.  I had always ate healthy, been a huge runner and played sports, so maybe?  Nobody will ever know.  I blame gluten but thats me and I’ve always had a celiac problem (gluten intolerance) for as long as I can remember, it’s nice now that people are aware of it and my food is easier to find than before.  I also don’t hold anything in anymore or hold back in any way… that helps!

I think I figured out my migraine issues!!  If it wasn’t from stress than it was from sleep!  I’ve had less stress and more sleep and I’m feeling muuuuch better!!! Get your sleep people, it’s great for you… I’m going to take my own advise. 🙂

After all the running around I did today and then cleaning, it’s time for me to relax and start working on Thank You’s!  Sorry for a short blog, but hey – more pics! 😉  2 more days off, hospital Friday.

Night! xoxo

Got my lucky shot….powerball winner is me??

Hello! 🙂   I had my NEULASTA shot today, not to be confused with NEUPOGEN.  Neupogen is a shot you can get daily and what I had today was a one time shot of Neulasta.  They are different shots for different things and a huge cost difference as well.  The shot was nothing for me.  I forgot to take meds beforehand or even Clariten like many advised…. oops 😦     The nurses were surprised at how well I was doing given I just had chemo the other day.  I didn’t feel I was doing exceptionally well or anything special but I guess compared to others I suppose I can handle it better.  I mean, I was tired, there for a shot I didn’t want and have a million and one things on my mind so… just what it was.   The effects of the shot aren’t immediate but I had major spleen area pain today.  I was on my drugs for that which really didn’t take all the pain off.   Anyways, I guess I could have asked for my CA19-9 results today that were taken on Monday, but I chose not to.  Honestly I didn’t think of it at the hospital but I’m thankful because I don’t think I want to know if it’s gone up, granted it’s not a huge indicator, still a direction upward is not what I want.

Having major ‘chemo brain’ yesterday I saw I wrote something about have a great Monday??  Oops!!  Clearly it was Tuesday and not just any Tuesday, it was giving back tuesday!  Anyone see online the #givingback going on?  Well I did my ‘giving back’ as educating people about pancreatic cancer.  Here is an article published by the Leesburg Today:

http://www.leesburgtoday.com/opinion/letters/letter-ashley-anderson-washington-dc/article_38b91e26-37d1-11e2-8bf0-001a4bcf887a.html

On a side note – I wouldn’t mind being the lucky jackpot winner 🙂  Hey… I could use a little luck this year!

Happy WEDNESDAY everyone 😉   xoxo

Stop stressing, Ashley

Y’all have really touched me!!! I’ve had so many warm felt messages and messages of the loss of loved ones that have really hit me hard!  It’s tough reading those emails but I am also happy in those that follow and find hope in the awareness I am trying to achieve from my blog.  It’s been an emotional week as it was followed by the weekend equally emotional.  I’ve been a wreck I guess because of all the stress I’m under.  It’s been hard and I know how I am not suppose to be stressing because of the health problems it causes.  Lose-lose for me.  I planned on posting those amazing purple pics I got tonight but I will actually have to do it tomorrow.  I need to work on a project tonight and had a horrid day of sickness today and haven’t been home until now, craziness.  I will do it tomorrow when I’m back at the hospital again.  I have nothing better to do right?  Takes my mind off the things I need to get done here and thinking of all the poison being continuously injected into my mediport. I made a short video blog as well.  Tim, who doesn’t follow me haha, actually got on my blog the other day and was like “wow, you write too much, can’t you do those video things again so I don’t have to read all this, I like watching movies and I don’t read books”   haha!   Anyways – pics tomorrow, hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!! Platelet prayers for me! I also will pray nothing else goes wrong, like say my platelets go up but I have a reaction or something?  Ah!  No time for complications. I’ve got a tight ship to run! haha 🙂  It’s always somethin’ though…

Spleen Giveaway!!

                          ^On our way home tonight we made one laststop and I spotted a purple dog toy stocking bag which clearly I had to buy for my boys… they love it!  Look at tank ripping it open 🙂

Who out there is in need of a pretty spleen???? I gotta nice big one for sale!! I’ve got an extra one. I don’t need it. Damn thing is causing me nothin’ but PROBLEMS!!!!! The thing put me in the hospital for a week in August after a burst which NO ONE has experienced pain until you experience a spleen burst and it causes you to literally go BLIND from your body going into shock. It was the worst pain of my life and hard to even explain. It’s pretty unreal.  I basically felt like I was dieing, I went blind and couldn’t breathe.  All of the narcotics given to me by IV in the ER wouldn’t even take the edge off the pain. Ever since that happened over 3 months ago I’ve had complications. My chemo had been withheld week after week for 13 weeks while my nurses in infusion tried to administer it and I’m constantly being told, ‘sorry not this week, your platelets are still too low’. Very frustrating!

I checked my voicemails before heading out at 8am only to hear the results left from my bone marrow biopsy on my voicemail. I wasn’t prepared for that one! Sometimes you recognize the voicemail phone number and are expecting to hear ‘its your second home, call us back’ not to hear big news.

So whoooooo out there goes shopping for 12 hours only to buy a few items and not accomplish a list of things I was ready to do as I left my house a little before 0800?? Me me me!!!! Don’t ask. Basically I set out on a mission today, all proud and ready to go with my list printed out that I had done up last night with a time schedule and all and just ONE of my items on my list was checked off today. This item was supposed to be done later in the day and  I might of been able to make it to Martinsburg to get more things accomplished if I stuck to the plan but no. Got sidetracked in Hagerstown, MD and didn’t even make it to West Virginia. Insane!  It’s after midnight, we got home almost 30 minutes ago and now I have to sit online and finish everything.  Why didn’t I just get ready this am (to make myself feel better about getting things accomplished) and then sit my butt on my bed with my computer and do everything from the wonderful web???  No idea what I was thinking.

Oh gosh it’s funny though… It seems like whenever we are places Tim likes to proudly tell people about my diagnosis. I generally hold him back when I can tell he is about to spill it but today we were at a place and it wasn’t until at least 1 hour+ into being there that he brought it up which caught me off guard and I couldn’t stop him. They were completely shocked and had no idea which is the normal response I get. They advised “Wow! I can’t believe it! You look like a normal, healthy, beautiful young girl!”  Yup…. It sure hasn’t affected my outward appearance.

So if any of your are following my story today you may be thinking “ok… You said you got your results…gunna tell us?!” Haha! 🙂 sure…  I was advised today (sum’d up version):
               Ashley, we held a conference today to go over your case. We had the oncogist team, myself (hemotologist), and pathologist team and your bone marrow looks completely fine. The cancer has not spread to it, it is producing fine. It is your spleen. Since your August doing your spleen has been taking your platelets. Your spleen has become enlarged and even if we gave you continuous platelet transfusions… Your spleen would take them.”

Basically my blood is producing just fine and my counts are all great but since my spleen is taking my platelets it’s obviously causing those numbers to be low and my spleen to be enlarged. I’m now having more and more pain from this daily on my left said between my spleen and my pancreas. Not good.  They are only saying that they will keep an eye on it and possibly another CT scan again sooner than later but otherwise surgery is the only option they say, besides possible radiation.  Who knows.  This is all somewhat fresh news. I mean, I’ve been saying for a while ‘ok… well my platelets became an issue since my spleen rupture in August… I know spleen enlargements can be a cause of low platelets… do you think we may have a connection here?!’  but now they are listening.

Ok, it’s late, I need to get to doing online work.  Night y’all! 🙂