What do the doctors say?

I find it funny how many of my friends have come to me complaining that they are sick or have a cold or whatever.  I am proud to say I’ve not had a single cough or sickness whatsoever. this season  Well, disregard… I do believe I was sick for a couple days last fall because Tim was home very ill and as much as I tried to protect myself I did get some of those nasty germs.  Some say, “yeah well you’ve probably had shots for it or something” umm… no!  I think it’s funny when some maybe presume I just sit in a rubber room and isolate myself from society… hahaha!   I am just the opposite and with my very weakened immune system from receiving my chemo, it’s still kicking major butt! Did ya know they say people with dogs generally have a better immune system?  True.  My dogs are very clean and I keep my home clean and they are not allowed on furniture but the truth is their little paws are still walking outside without shoes on that are kicked off before they come in and they are bringing what they have stepped in outside – inside, daily. Speaking of dogs, I’ve had that ‘wanting another one’ feeling in me lately.  I just love taking care of my babies and want another…. will I get one? No!  Keep me off the pet sites or away from the humane society because I’ll go crazy and I’ve gotta keep myself in check.  🙂

Ok, one phrase that drives me bonkers is when people say “What do the doctors say?”  AHHH!!!!!   I don’t know why but this drives me crazy.  I can talk to whomever and have a nice conversation when they ask how I am and now you want to know what the doctors say???  It’s pancreatic cancer!!! The doctors say I’d be dead by now!!!  Ah!  I get when people ask maybe ‘What do doctors say’ in terms of how well I am doing and what are their thoughts about that.  I get that.  When asked because one doesn’t know what to say, who cares what they say!!  Ask the patient how they are doing, how they are feeling, how are they handling all of this mentally and physically.

In the world of pancreatic cancer I have heard more news of the drug Abraxane with Gemcitabine have improved surival rates by around 2 months.  I was actually a little confused when I was reading this the past few days because I know people on the drug and do not think of it as “new” and of coarse I am talking about Abraxane.  Gemcitabine has been used forever and is the least toxic chemo used for pancreatic cancer that you can receive.  In any case many may think that two months isn’t much but when I was given just 2 months to live I would have loved the extra 2 months, the extra time to live.  That may be a treatment I do receive in the future, who knows.

I am doing great!!!! Still faaaaabulous!!!!  I just gave my 2 big ol’ dogs a bath and my back needs a resting and American Idol is calling my name from the DVR!  Happy Wednesday! 🙂

xoxo ~Ashley

If I die young…

Hi! I’m Ashley! I am beating Stage 4 pancreatic cancer!

…bury me in the dress worn by Miss Washington during her talent…..  OMG Gorgeous!!!!!  – pic below.  I just love the Miss America, Miss Universe, Miss whatever.  I picture me up on stage with a platform of beating Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  haha!  (I was pulling for Miss South Carolina buttt I loved them all!)   I just love beautiful and talented woman.  Oh –  Yes I LOVE bling bling  and sparkle!!! haha 🙂   I just love things that bling, sparkle, glitter and shine!  I know I’m a country girl and  LOVE sports but I’m still a girly girl!  I love diamonds. Diamonds represent faithfulness, love, purity, innocence, and relationships filled with love. It removes certain types of deviations in the aura, which can be best imagined as sort of voids, and diamond fills them with the pure energy of love. It inspires creativity, ingenuity, inventively,  Diamonds bring healing and there is nothing wrong with saying you love some bling!  I may not be rich with diamonds but seriously… the dress is so beautiful and I am dieing to find something similar to wear for my birthday dinner coming up!

It’s Monday!  I am back!  I blog Monday through Friday.   I had a GREAT weekend!  Nothing spectacular happened.  It was good though. I didn’t go out with the girls for laughs (maddie I know you are reading – still sad! 😦   )   I get so happy and so much energy simply by feeling good!! So many of you (people who may or may not be reading this) that have written me and just send such positive vibes and words just boost my energy every day! If I could help any of you, that’d be amazing!  My weekend was watching football with good company and a lot of cleansing.  No not any type of drink or laxatives but a cleaning cleansing.  I am a huge organizer and realized I have too much ‘stuff’.  When I first started working full-time at 18 years old while going to college full-time and living with friends and Tim, I was always buying things just because.  I was always buying things for my family and siblings and friends simply because I had all this money and I didn’t have many bills.  I had my rent and utilities split but it was maybe $800 a month and back then I was making that in a week or week in a 1/2 so I had all this extra money I didn’t know what to do with.  Now of coarse that money seems so little (to make) and I know what I should have been doing with it, but ya know… I was young and you live and learn.  Anyways, over the years I had a hard time giving up a lot of the things I had because I appreciate the value of money now and the fact that I spent $100 for each pair of work pants I have had a hard time parting with them.  Do I wear them?  Of coarse not.  I have bought new clothes weekly over the years but I have kept all the over priced pieces simply because I spent too much on them.  This doesn’t end with my clothes, I have a lot of things.  I have spent the last couple weeks, when I am not working, working on getting rid of things.  Please don’t get me wrong – I am NOT a hoarder.  I don’t have piles of things!

This has honestly made me feel so good to just get rid of it all.  Many people hold on to things because they are afraid of letting go.  Sometimes you just need to take a step back think about what you are holding on to. It could be a loved one you cannot let go, it could be of a relationship. This has been therapeutic in a weird way.  I feel my body feels good when things around me are cleared out.  I feel I am cleansing my life on the outside just as I am on the inside.

Sorry about the beginning… no I was not blogging about death… it was the first thing that came to my head when I saw that dress and of coarse with lyrics from a country song.

I hope everyone has had a marvelous Monday!! 🙂

xoxo ~Ashley 💜

This dress:

Life is a gamble…

Whoop whoop I am back! 🙂  I was good yesterday and even better today.  Always be positive and count your blessings every day!

My stomach has felt like a bottomless pit today!  My goodness! I try to drink more and think the ol’ ‘you are really thirsty but your body thinks its hungry’ thing but that hasn’t worked.  I’ve been hungry! I eat slow, healthy, drink more water that I need and I’m still hungry! haha… it happens.  I have these days every now and then.

Great quote I heard today:

God created us different. We all have something we’ve been destined to become. Don’t try to be like someone else and leave who you should have been behind. No two people are the same, so strive to be you.”

It’s true!  I know I’m very different from anyone else and I never take the beaten path.  I believe in emphasizing on your own unique traits and what makes you different.  I have so many different quirks and things that make me different.  Since last year I have been on a path I never would have ever dreamt I’d be on in my life and I don’t have any friends my age that is traveling the same one but I have found more strength inside of myself than I even knew of.  It is a setback in my life, a major setback, but I will not let a setback defeat me.  Many people have setbacks in life.  Many people have lost their jobs and wonder how they will now provide for their family.  It’s hard but you will figure it out.  I feel I was meant to be a pancreatic cancer advocate.  I wish I didn’t have to experience it first hard to advocate it or experience it first hand at my age but I am.  It’s what I’ve been dealt.  I haven’t been dealt a good hand in life but I will take the cards I was given and make something out of them.

Know this song?

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done

It’s one of my all time favorites!  I’ve never been a gambling type.  I am pretty much the opposite.  Life can be a gamble though and you’ve got to know how to come through it.

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!  Make the most out of every day! 🙂

xoxo ~Ashley 💜

Chemo Monday…. CA19-9 Results… Pancreatic cancer….

So it’s CHEMO MONDAY!! OH BOY!!!!!  Ok, let’s do caps and some exclamation points and hopefully you can feel my exaggerated excitement! 😉

I had a great weekend!! Did the last of the Christmas stuff with a light tour and events I had tickets to.  I like to pamper myself the weekend before chemo…. just because…  so I did.

I’ve been dreading this day.  I try not to think about it but once it’s the weekend before I can’t help but think of it.  Even after this long it doesn’t get any easier, in fact I think I dread it more.  I just hate sitting for a ton of hours.  I get so big and you can even see it in my face when I take pics the day of chemo I just get all puffy and then start feeling gross.  I really dislike my premeds that make me pass out.  It’s crazy how instant it is.  Once the bag starts it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t even keep my eyes open no matter how hard I try.  I know in my earlier chemo days I thought this was cool because I could waste the time away by sleep as opposed to staying up and trying to keep myself entertained.  I find it too noisy to read a book.   In any case, I just don’t like it but my CA19 results made everything a bit easier today.  I had my last CA19-9 (pancreatic cancer blood test) done the last Monday of November and never did find out the results because I had a bad feeling about it and had upcoming events that I didn’t need the extra stress and anxiety from the news.  I found out the news today…

What girl with pancreatic cancer that metastasized everywhere has a CA19 number of 21?????

That’s right.. this one!!! 🙂  TWENTY-ONE!   I was thrilled because I have never had my number this low!!! A normal healthy cancer-free person can have a reading of anywhere between 0-35 and that is normal.  My body thinks it’s normal again!! I always say my body is confused because it functions the same as before… a normal healthy 27 year old girl.  I do have chronic pain on my left side that I am pretty used to and is controlled by pain meds and the mass in my tummy that makes it stick out otherwise, I would never remember I was sick until chemo.  Things have changed so much from last year and fall 2011… all for the better.   2013 is going just how I had planned so far! 🙂

It’s about 6pm… means I’ve been here about 11 hours… ready to go home already!!  Not sure how much longer I have here but it shouldn’t be too much, maybe an hour or 2.   I have started the year with pure positive energy, still remaining positive as I have, having confidence in myself and in my doctors and treatment.  It’s working.  Prayers are working from you all.  It’s a working combination clearly, the proof of the pudding is in the eating. 🙂

Ahh… good 2013 Monday.  This comes after my “Do I haaaaaaave to go to chemo?!?”   I DREAD chemo!  Have I mentioned that before?  Maybe you forgot.  I dread chemo!  I have a birthday that isn’t too far away and I get to celebrate it here!!! YaY me!!  I spent my birthday here last year so I really wanted to keep the new tradition…… not.  But the party will be in infusion woohoo! 🙂  Ok, about time I get to doing…something.  Words with friends I suppose.  I’m not sure why people play me in that game, at least they are all good sports and not poor losers right?  hahaha…. 😉

xoxo ~Ash ♥ ♥

PS:  I read on twitter that Aquarius people are VERY sarcastic.. haha!  I don’t know astrology, I like reading mine though, it’s fun 🙂

John Hopkins Friday & Happy Monday today! ;)

^Yea yea….. so I got a little bored waiting for my the doctor at John Hopkins after speaking with the fellow….. haha….. it happens….

^ See….. Tim was bored as well…. haha!  I suggest some TVs in there with some good ol reality shows, might as well let my brain rot as I sit in a miserable place 😉

My John Hopkins appointment went well on Friday.  Did I get anything out of it?   Not really.  They are on the same page though as my hospital so that is always a plus.  I know Tim has wanted to transfer me for a while here and trying to convince me and he said “Ok, this will determine everything, come here”  Where does he take me?  The CAFETERIA!  “Look! omg this is SO much better than Georgetown!”  hahaha…. wow!   Ok, back to the story.  It was an all day event at the hospital and we saw people that we hadn’t seen in months which is always nice… especially when you are going through what I am and they understand and are just so genuinely happy. We went over with the doctor again taking it from the beginning and explainng how it was adenocarinoma of unknown origin and how it was tossed between pancreas and cervical in the beginning. For those of you unaware… when I was diagnosed the morning following my ER visit it was determined I have Stage 4 metastatic pancreatic cancer. I was hospitalized for a month and was released on a Thursday and had a visit the following day only to find out there was a conference held about me in which the doctors wanted to change my chemotherapy drugs because they were not 100% it was pancreatic cancer.  The whole statistics and complicated situation that I have had really confused them and they were unsure if it was possibly cervical. I did start chemo on that Monday and then about a month or 2 into it they retracked and believed it was panc.

Harder chemo + Neutropenia & Neulasta shot?

So yesterday didn’t go as planned eh?  I had my day configured with the shorter chemo and getting hooked up at home and doing other things but it NEVER goes as planned.  So!  What happened was I was accessed whenI got into infusion but was told I had to see my oncologist.  I was confused because I wasn’t aware of an appointment but apparently she threw it in there and told me that am.  No problem, at least I was hoping….?   So, by that time my blood work was back and I was told AFTER getting chemo 2 weeks ago my platelets went up!!! Highest they’ve been since August!  WoohoO! So, then she reconsidered my treatment and debated going back to the harder more aggressive drugs which I’ve handled so darn well and made her decision she would.  It was almost a toss up because what if this typical Folfirinox could do better for me?  But, I saw awesome results from the other which didn’t even finish its run time on me, it simply was my spleen issues which we had said so many times.  I was glad to go back to the harsher one because of what I just said, I’ve seen amazing results.  Obviously my health and youth help with having a harder regimen BUT I cannot stand when people say I have “youth on my side”.  Umm…. no!!  My cells are younger, smarter, developing faster which means things can progress faster so youth is NOT always helpful.

I found out I had Neutropenia?  Basically my white blood counts were too low prior to chemo,  I received chemo and now need a Neulasta shot.  Since leaving my house is the last thing I wanted to do today I will get the shot in the am.  I have a small window to get it in and hopefully its not as bad as the horror stories I have heard about because I have no time for achy bones!   The shot is intended to boost my white blood count because there are way too many risks in having a severely low white blood count and the slight risks the shot could have are insignificant to the risks of a severely low WBC.

Today has been…..terrible.  Actually even last night was miserable and trust me… I didn’t want company.  Don’t get it?   ha.. nevermind  🙂   I just felt crappy after getting the terrible Benedryl through IV, the chemo treatment lasts forever because of all the extra premeds you need for these drugs and you leave about 10lbs heavier from all the liquids you received for way too many hours. You just feel so crummy and can’t get comfortable.  Same thing all today.  Not a day in the park. All electronics have been turned off, well I spoke with 2 people (who read this so I’ll be honest and say other than you 2… no chit chatting here! 🙂   ) .   Tomorrow should be better lets hope.  Oh, thats another thing.  My meds include meds that keep you from getting sick for 5 days so yesterday and today I felt sick, but couldn’t get sick…gross.

I was happy to wake up to lots of water bottles laying next to my bed and someone went to the organic store to get me salad and crackers and my fav veggies. 🙂   It’s all about flushing this stuff out!!  Flush away because toxins and dead cells gotta go!  Also what a reflection my white blood count has from my diet!!   I’ve been stressing hardcore and out and about every day so my diet has been way off and horrid and it’s a clear reflection in all my blood counts this week!  I’ve gotta fix that if I want to stay on my harder chemo.  That will be easier for me after this weekend. 🙂

Have a happy Monday y’all!!!  Remember it’s still PANCREATIC CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!!! Make sure everyone you know knows!!!! 🙂  🙂   We can beat this together!!

xoxo

Stop stressing, Ashley

Y’all have really touched me!!! I’ve had so many warm felt messages and messages of the loss of loved ones that have really hit me hard!  It’s tough reading those emails but I am also happy in those that follow and find hope in the awareness I am trying to achieve from my blog.  It’s been an emotional week as it was followed by the weekend equally emotional.  I’ve been a wreck I guess because of all the stress I’m under.  It’s been hard and I know how I am not suppose to be stressing because of the health problems it causes.  Lose-lose for me.  I planned on posting those amazing purple pics I got tonight but I will actually have to do it tomorrow.  I need to work on a project tonight and had a horrid day of sickness today and haven’t been home until now, craziness.  I will do it tomorrow when I’m back at the hospital again.  I have nothing better to do right?  Takes my mind off the things I need to get done here and thinking of all the poison being continuously injected into my mediport. I made a short video blog as well.  Tim, who doesn’t follow me haha, actually got on my blog the other day and was like “wow, you write too much, can’t you do those video things again so I don’t have to read all this, I like watching movies and I don’t read books”   haha!   Anyways – pics tomorrow, hope everyone had a fabulous weekend!! Platelet prayers for me! I also will pray nothing else goes wrong, like say my platelets go up but I have a reaction or something?  Ah!  No time for complications. I’ve got a tight ship to run! haha 🙂  It’s always somethin’ though…

Flop of a day…

I simply feel like today was a flop. I’ve been on a downhill on my roller coaster journey lately and it makes making plans hard.  You make a list, well ok I do, I am big time into lists and plans and basically have a check list every day of my life.  I get so frustrated when I am writing down the same things day after day after day.  I am unable to accomplish these things and nothing goes as planned.  I laughed last night… in a teary eyed miserable sorta way, that I actually wrote “I feel fantastic” on my blog yesterday while I was so sick again last night.  This spiral is going straight down and I am just getting to be more and more sensitive to food by the day.  I ate some food last night, healthy obviously but it still didn’t sit well with my insides.  I was crazy sick all night last night.  Today I was fearful to even eat because I don’t have time for the instant fatigue feeling I feel followed by the sickness.  I didn’t eat until later in the evening once again and was very careful and felt full after just a few bites.  I actually so far handled it ok. Very soft food, mostly juices and more enzymes. Also, yes I did say I went all day without eating again and to many who say ‘that’s a no no, you should be eating small frequent meals’ yes, I used to do that, now I just listen to my body.  I am very aware of what I should do and how to listen to my body and I’m very in tuned, thanks 😉

While I was sick and up all night, nice and wide awake because for some reason my body forgot you should be sleeping at 2..3…4am… I a read story online about someone being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and saying “I’m a dead person” and that was that.  They didn’t bother to change anything or research or try anything new, according to the article.  They lived their life up the best they could after diagnosis and died 4 months later.  I felt sad for this person. Why?  Why think that way and not want to fight?  I don’t know this person and maybe they have their reasons and that was best for them but for me there is no way.  I’ve had people tell me in person to my face “Your days are numbered but I wish you the best” … really?  How do you not know if you are going to die in a vehicle accident tomorrow and I become cancer free and live to 100?  How do you know what my future holds?  As a matter of fact, who are you?!   I still speak to this person.  I don’t think they really realized maybe what they said or how it meant.  Then again, yeah they did. They are much older and certainly know but I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

Anyways, I filled up my narcotic prescriptions today and the pharmacist said “This drug hasn’t been refilled since April so we are going to have to call your doctor”  Hmmm… so basically, I am supposed to be filling up my drugs more often (and selling them on the streets… jk 😉  ) and using them, then weaning myself off and using them only when need be? Huh.. ok…   I called my oncologist and got the nurse who advised “Ash I talked to the stupid people and told them yes it’s a real script and yes she can have her drugs”  haha! Thank you!!  LOVE knowing everyone at my hospital and am so thankful for so many of them!! 🙂

Have a great night y’all

8:00pm…please come soon! PS thank you sis…

^Tim taking pics while I’m getting my biopsy….thanks…?

I feel terrible that I completely forgot to tell everyone about Niagra Falls turning purple for pancreatic cancer!!!!  I came home Monday night (after chemo at the hospital and biopsy) and was here watching it online not even thinking about saying it on my blog…Facebook… Twitter… oops!!  I’m sure at least some of y’all watched! 🙂  It was very cool!

Today was…not an eventful day.  I slept, got sick, and counted down the hours on the clock.  My nurse should be here anywhere in the next 30 minutes (7:30-8pm) to unhook me from chemo. I cannot wait!!! I am ready to stop the poison.  I feel drained. I have other things going on with my body that is making me anemic this week.  So yeah, I am just ready for at least the chemo part of this week to be complete and then maybe things will improve.

I wanted to share an essay my little sister had wrote about me for a class of hers. She received an A+ of coarse. It made me cry when she had sent it to me for approval!   My sister has never really expressed to me her feelings of me, my sickness, our relationship etc. so this was a very nice surprise. 🙂

Never Give Up

Any obstacle or struggle that life throws at me I am positive I can handle. I’m not saying it won’t be difficult, or that at times I might want to break down and cry, but I sure as hell can say that I will NEVER give up. I believe that I was placed on Earth for various reasons, one of them being to prove to God that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Eight months ago, I might have not been able to say this. Someone very valuable to me taught me the true meaning of “never give up,” and this person is my sister, Ashley.

In February of 2012, my sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer. The diagnosis took a major toll on my emotions, considering she is my only sister. It became hard for me to accept the fact that I was potentially losing my sister considering the one year survival rate is 10% and the five year survival rate an astounding 5%. Nearly every night, I cried myself to sleep. The thing that broke my heart the most was thinking about how Ashley felt; knowing her life could be taken away at any second, losing her hair, and not being to live the adventurous lifestyle that she has been used to. However, I am proud to say that Ashley has not and will not let cancer defeat her. Eight months later, she is extremely healthy and active. Her doctors are amazed by how well she is doing; even they did not believe she would live past seven months. On December 1, she is getting married to the man she has been with ten years, the man who provides and nurtures her while she may not be able to, the man I am proud to call my brother-in-law; Tim.

The fact that my sister has outlived what the doctors expected never ceases to amaze me. Recently in our conversation, Ashley said, “I truly believe your mind is very powerful if you believe in yourself and educate yourself. Miracles can happen.” I could not agree with her more. Many times she has been put down, saying she will not live long, that her cancer is only progressing. Ashley has not once let what other people believe influence her. She is hard headed and will gladly show others that they are wrong; that she is capable of all things she sets her mind to.

With so many events taking place in my life right now, I easily become overwhelmed. The other day, I had a difficult Physics test that I knew in my mind I was bound to fail. My teacher did not teach half of the materials that were on the study guide. I wanted to give up studying. “One F, who cares? It’s my senior year anyways.” Then I thought about my sister, and instantly realized I could not let this defeat me. I sucked it up and learned the material on my own, resulting in a B+ on the test.

Whenever I get upset and feel like giving up, I turn to my sister. She is my role model. Ashley taught me how to walk, how to be myself, and the most valuable lesson of all; never give up. I can never thank her enough for this, and everything I do, I will do it for Ashley.

^Thank you sis!  I love you!!

As weak as I feel on days like today I know I can’t give up.  I need to push myself.  I need pull through.  I need to remember I can do this, I can beat the odds. I can do this for myself. I can fight for everyone fighting cancer.  The odds are completely stacked against me which makes me more determined.

My life…

I’m baaaack

random

Arrived home at 2:30AM this morning and although I love my little town of Washington, DC… it’s also back to reality 😦  Chemo tomorrow and meeting with my oncologist beforehand and who knows how thats going to go or whats going to happen.  Thank god for good friends who already knew about this appointment because they keep track of these things!!

The other night when we returned to our hotel late there was a movie on – Eat, Pray, Love  –  and watching it again, this line kinda made me think…

“If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.” 

I’ve been having so many “moments” lately whether it’s lyrics, lines from movies, fortunes from when I steal Tims chinese fortune cookies… that make me think it’s terms of my situation and my new outlook. I am just ready to beat this thing already and write the book!  😉   ahhh…. it’ll come!!  Until then, pray tomorrow goes smooth…

Live, Laugh, Love