Happy birthday to my best friend and love!♥

Me… getting chemo on Friday… hate chemo

Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. – 1 Corinthians 15:24

Happy birthday to my best friend and husband!!  It’s so crazy that I can recall our teenage days together and how much fun we had being crazy teenagers and I watched him turned 20 then 30?! Wow… time flies!!

Last year was Tim’s big 3-0 and I really wanted to celebrate it although I was not well at all.  I tried.  I couldn’t drive to go shopping, I couldn’t eat but I still wanted to take him out.  He took the day off and we spent the day together just driving and doing stuff he wanted to do then I convinced him that he should have a nice birthday dinner wherever he wanted.  He wanted to although he knew I couldn’t eat and didn’t want to look odd while I sat there watching him eat, drueling as I wished I could eat.  Well I ended up ordering a soup thinking I could just have a few little sips…this ended up being a major mistake.  I was absolutley miserable and even asked for my life to end.  I wanted to be done.  I didn’t think I could handle it anymore.  The pain I was in was absolutely excrutiating and I even knew we had firearms and the thought crossed my mind.  When I was first diagnosed and for months prior, I would try to eat or drink and it simply wouldn’t stay in. I would be sick immediately. This time last year, last April, my body was taking in the food, like my bite of soup, but when my body went through the “breaking down” process, the pain was beyond belief.  I did make this mistake more than once just craving a bite, wanting a sip and then I paid the price as I would be up all night long in insane pain and crying. I believe this was the last time I made this mistake last year and learned to not eat or drink no matter how much I desired to.

What a difference a year makes! Now I can have whatever I want although my stomach is sensitive. There are things, such as frozen food, that my body doesn’t tolerate and I simply stay away from it.  It’s actually hard though because I try to follow my strict diet that I believe has helped me in the progress I’ve made although I often lose weight and that is certainly not my goal.  It’s challenging to make meals that are very good for you but high in calories.

I wanted to clarify from messages I received regarding me not being able to eat after chemo or feeling ick.  It’s simply that nothing sounds good and the taste of food is appalling. I have to just let the chemo drugs run through me and after 2-3 days I can eat again.  I don’t get sick, I have premeds that prevent me from being sick and yes I feel nauseous but that is only if I want to try food or am so hungry.  It’s kinda hard to explain unless you have received my specific drugs and can understand.  It’s the same process every treatment and I basically just have to deal with it, which I’ve been doing well for quite some time now. 🙂

Anyways, off to dinner (well, getting ready sorta since I’ve been ready for the past couple hours… where are you Tim?!)  and maybe something else depending on when Tim gets home.  Yes he is working on his b-day. If we weren’t going out of town this weekend he would have taken it off but he doesn’t have time to take off that much.  I mean, hell I had chemo on my bday (spent the last 2 birthdays in the hospital) and I always worked so he’ll be ok… haha!

Happy Tuesday everyone! xoxo ~Ashley  ♥

PS… thank you for all the sweet emails and comments about me being back, holy cow I was so shocked and amazed how many people care! 🙂   I was only gone a week but it seemed like forever.  Thanks to all my readers for being so amazingly sweet and supportive!! 🙂

Happy Thanksgiving!! :o)

💜

^ This was taken of me about this time of the year 3 years ago

HAPPY THANKSGIVING everyone!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 🙂

I am so incredibly thankful for SO much!  I was asked this month “why don’t you participate in posting on Facebook every day what you are thankful for?”  Are you kidding me?  I find that SO foolish!! I would not!  I am so thankful each and every day of my life that is extends way beyond this month. I truly did not believe I would be alive to see this holiday.  When I was diagnosed, it was in Feb, but it would have been Januray or December 2011 from how sick I was back then if I am honest with myself. With that said, when I went in and they said how much time I had left (not much) I figured it was shortened even moreso because I had been sick longer than what I said. I suddenly pictured dieing in the spring and all of my family celebrating these holidays without me. I felt terrible for them. Yes, people die every day but just having someone tell you you are going to die so young, much harder to swallow.

As I am so thankful to be alive, I thank my doctors for this along with so many people who have sent me their prayers.  I believe my will to live along with the medicine, my doctors who have put so much though with their education into my specific treatment, with a mixture of prayer and strength I have been given is what really pushes me day to day.  I am thankful for the love of a man who has been with me from High School. I cannot imagine where I would be without him. Over a decade together with the most challenging year of our life this year. He was just 29 years old when being told your significant other of more than 10 years doesn’t have much time left.  Most couples cannot even imagine especially at our age. He was willing to travel any distance no matter what the costs just to get me the best care in the world.  He never left my side that long month plus in the hospital and slept in a chair every day before being upgraded to a cot in which he stayed hour after hour, day after day, week after week. He didn’t go to work and was even sweet enough to eat all of that hospital food they were trying to shove in my mouth! Aww! 😉   I am thankful for the 4-legged beautiful doggies of mine, my boys, who have traveled with us all over the country and have lived in more states than most people have.  They love their adventurous life and they are my world! I am thankful for family and friends.  I’ve had more people reach out to me that I never would have guessed.  I am thankful for many of you that I don’t know that are following my journey. I am thankful that with this horrid cancer and the pain I have, I don’t have all the other symptoms from the chemo.  I do not have cold sores in my mouth, I don’t have that metallic taste when I eat food, I don’t have any affects that you can see on the outside. My skin looks just fine and have gained every pound I lost back and then some. My hair has grown like crazy and I never lost my brows, lashes or any hair on my legs or arms even with a hard chemo!  When you look good, you feel good, so for this I am thankful! I could go on and on about every little detail I am thankful for but I tell God every day and this blog entry would be books long, so just know I am one thankful girl.  🙂

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday and appreciates everything they have!  Let it be a wonderful holiday for all!  💜