Happy April Fools!! :o)

Jessi and myself 🙂

 

mom-in-law and muah 🙂

US… that guy and me… 😉

^This lovely couple would be US, myself and my husband (Umm… Love the purple?!) at the wedding in Michigan a couple weeks ago!

Before I begin, let me THANK YOU to all the very kind e-mails I received from yesterdays post.  I didn’t think a little posting that was very raw and honest could generate such discussion and especially from my friends whom were so happy that I finally said something because they get after me about “keeping it all in”.  What I wrote was pretty simple and barely scratching the surface.  I could really tell ya more and you would be even more shocked and amazed but let’s just save that for the book or the memoir alright 😉  It will get published, no worries!

Whooooo….What a strange day huh?  I mean, I received a lot of “Happy Birthdays” on my personal Facebook page that I didn’t know what was going on?  I coulda sworn I just celebrated a birthday (2nd year in a row in hospital) in the hospital getting chemotherapy in February.  Maybe it’s chemo brain?

Happy April Fools!! 😉

Laughter is the best medicine right?!  WAY better than that nasty chemo!  Of coarse me being me, I felt bad and wanted to say “April Fools” right away and thank goodness only 65-70 silly people wished me a happy birthday, on my birthday I had over 150+ people wishes so at least some people remembered!  haha!

My birthday is in February and my sign is an Aquarius.  That’s all I know.  I don’t know what someone is in October or August.  I do know April is Aries because thats what Tim is. So this is what my sign says about me:

One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. 

Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions. 

Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. 

Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It’s difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop—they’re generally on top of things.

There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They’ll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. “Be true to yourself” and “Don’t follow the crowd” are mottos we easily associate with this sign.

Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They’ll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you’re quirky and “different”, all the better.

So from what I gather, they are pretty right on.  I am one to go off the beaten path.  Some would say I can be witty, clever, intellectual… I like that. I can be stubborn which is why I’m doing a damn good job in this cancer fight.  “Quirky and different, all the better”?  I like that!  I LOVE the “hard to throw Aquarians for a loop–they’re generally on top of things”.  So true!  Try me, I got it.  Lastly the quote on “be yourself” and “don’t follow the crowd”.. so me! I like people who are honest, themselves, REAL and this is what I try and try to tell the people I mentioned yesterday.  Why try to be something you are not?  Why kid yourself and those around you?  I know I am quirky and dorky and laugh at myself… a LOT.  It’s true.  I’m human and I make mistakes and learn but I can say I am always honest and true to myself. I’ve never taken a single penny I didn’t earn and sure as heck didn’t travel the entire country on anyones dime but mine.  I’ve worked hard and proud of every achievement.  My next biggest achievement will be beating the demon also known as pancreatic cancer.

This day included a wonderful chat with my little sister in which was clear to why she wasn’t here with me right now on her spring break. Sometimes a good talk with a family member, friend, coworker, priest, therapist? whatever you choose, can make for a good day.  To get things off your chest which we know is not a good place to be.

Now it’s the evening and holy moly it was all I could do just to cook dinner tonight, I am SO tired!  Recall all that energy I had last night?  Well that burst lasted until 3:30am in which my antibiotics kicked in which makes me drowsy and I slept a whopping 3 HOURS last night!  Yes, I was up at 6:30, TIRED but my boys wanted to go for their morning walk so me not being lazy got up and off we went.

My husband asked me when he was leaving for work..
“What are you doing today?”
“I have work and then I have to clean”
“Man it seems all you do is work and clean!”    …You think?!  You and my doggy boys are just messy and to keep up with my OCD I gotta clean and then if I don’t work, you won’t get paid and we will have no monies and goodness thats just no good.

My back is killing me right now from all the work I did and I’m tired, so goodnight my friends!  I have to do some business work then head to that bed.

xoxo ~Ashley

To go or not to go to the…. American Country Music Awards

I got amazing news the other day!!! I found out I won tickets to be in the front row of the American Country Music Awards!!!!  I was ecstatic because I knew that meant going to the NFR and having another fun time in Vegas!!! Then… reality came back.  We just spent thousands and thousands of dollars for our wedding.  I have a a lot of bling on my left hand and my dress was all bling and the blinged event meant $$$$$$$  so would it be smart to spend another couple thousand to have more fun in Vegas?  We were just there not too long ago but I know being front row (which I was all summer long at country concerts) is so much fun!!

Wedding cont…

            ^Here are some pics that were taken with my camera by others…. I don’t have too many but I love them all  ♥   ♥

Still in wedding heaven 🙂   My dress was perfection, there was a lot of PURPLE and guests even wore a purple ribbon, the cake was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and  the food was divine …it was nice showing our Michigan family what good food taste like!  It was joyous. 🙂

Back to reality, honeymoon was delayed because I had a switch in chemo which changed my schedule and actually had me in the hospital on Christmas Eve and New Years but since that switch lasted a whole one time and I went from the Folfirinox/5Fu combo back to my harder combo, schedule changed again.  It was delayed until next month although we have an outing next week.  It’s funny because we have traveled everywhere a ton of times and when you hear family in Mich last weekend and they’ve all never been out of the state get all excited about every state they get to just drive through… makes you smile.

Tim was actually back at work yesterday, no time off, and he gave me a nice long work list like I have nothing else going on.. hah!  I’ve always worked my job and run his business so I guess technically I’ve always had at least 2 full-time jobs. Exhausting!  Some have asked me if maybe the stress of being a 9-1-1 dispatcher and how I bottle everything in over the years led to cancer.  Who knows.  I had always ate healthy, been a huge runner and played sports, so maybe?  Nobody will ever know.  I blame gluten but thats me and I’ve always had a celiac problem (gluten intolerance) for as long as I can remember, it’s nice now that people are aware of it and my food is easier to find than before.  I also don’t hold anything in anymore or hold back in any way… that helps!

I think I figured out my migraine issues!!  If it wasn’t from stress than it was from sleep!  I’ve had less stress and more sleep and I’m feeling muuuuch better!!! Get your sleep people, it’s great for you… I’m going to take my own advise. 🙂

After all the running around I did today and then cleaning, it’s time for me to relax and start working on Thank You’s!  Sorry for a short blog, but hey – more pics! 😉  2 more days off, hospital Friday.

Night! xoxo

Celebrate good times! :)

We did it!!!!!  My best friend and I finally had our white wedding!!!  We have been together for almost 11 years… do the math, I haven’t even been out of high school for 10 years yet so yes, since High School. 🙂  We have pictures from prom and wedding and everything in between.  We have traveled all of the states and beyond and actually have a hard time thinking of a place we haven’t been to yet! We have been legally married for 5 years but I never changed my last name nor had we ever had our day.

This year was the hardest year of our lives. It had been over a year ago now that the symptoms began.  I recall all the sickness I had and the fact I’ve had pancreatic cancer over a year now.  I was officially diagnosed the beginning of this year (waited way too long before I had to be rushed to the ER at night) and when they diagnosed me I didn’t expect to live to April and neither did the doctors.  This year was full of heartache, pain, sadness and struggles that we wanted to end this year with this celebration, our day.  We celebrated our time together that has been full of happiness, craziness and life. We have had the most amazing experiences in a decade. I am so thankful to be alive and feel so good that I know I will see Christmas and ring in the new year!

The weekend (Friday – Sunday) didn’t go as planned, well the last month didn’t go as planned.  I had a very hard month, pain and cancer wise and then had chemotherapy on Monday when most brides are stressing the most that last final week I am getting poisoned.  The week I was tired and with my doctors appointments and what have you I was in too much pain that by Friday when we were in the hospital I just wanted to cancel Saturday.  I didn’t care about anything and just wanted to stay home.  I hurt so bad and no one could understand, we of coarse continued through with that night and I was ok but had an agonizing headache at dinner Friday night.  I know I did a video blog and tried to be cheery but my head felt like it was going to explode.  I try smile through it all but sometimes you just feel like screaming and crying. I had a nice night though and depended on meds to help cope but come Saturday things changed.  Of coarse I was so stressed in the morning especially when we were behind on time but my pain in my body had subsided! When things were falling into place I was thinking ‘omg… no pain!.. is this Gods work??’  Then I lasted the entire not without pain and following morning. I wondered ‘ could stress really have hurt me  or could it have been stress that caused all the pain and issues??!’  that’s crazy!   I know all the health issues stress can cause but I couldn’t believe it could be that.

I am hoping the pain was from stress and I don’t have to go through targeted radiation. I really want just chemo to work and for things to go the way they were going for the first 8 months before my spleen problem and issues began.  Of coarse everyone wants things to work out and they don’t go as planned but we can try our best and pray! 🙂

It is back to focusing on health and kickin’ this thing out of me! I still have a full planned out month and crazy enough have so many plans from now until May 2013…crazy!!!  We have travels every single month and I couldn’t be any happier!!!

I wish everyone a happy Monday!! xoxo

West Virginia makes ya think

Nia and I, in the mirror, of our beautiful bedroom (I wish) in a historical home in Martinsburg, WV

My oh my what a long day it was today!! Started at the wee hours and lots of traveling in West Virginia and ended too late.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m up early every day and have late nights but today I just felt more drained and I am not the one normally doing the driving but not complaining! It was fun! 🙂 My friend Nia and I headed to WV to do some wedding stuff.  I still felt a little sick and “big” from the other night but not as bad. It ended up being a good reflection and good conversation.  You always imagine when you are young what you want out of life and how grand you want everything to be (at least for me) and you want the biggest  and best everything and you strive for that but then sometimes things happen and you realize what is important.  What are you going to look back on at the end of your time and think.  Who says “gee, I wish I worked a bit more”.  Or are you going to look back and think ” I should have spent more time with….”.  You may not think about these things right now in the moment, but you will when it happens.  I don’t have any regrets yet.  I have worked my butt of for every single thing I have and done and have not have a single thing given to me and I have done so much and have learned a lot.  I have built great relationships along the way and those other relationships I don’t have with people I’ve learned will never happen and I’ve accepted it.  I’ve tried hard to build things with people and sometimes you have to let it be.  I also realized I still have been trying to cater to everyone else and always try to make everyone else happy and make things convenient for them when in reality, those who truly care will come to me. I can’t handle anymore stress in my body anymore. You also learn who is truly there for you when things get tough or you get knocked down in life. What’s that country song?  You find out who your friends are.

You find out who your friends are
Somebody’s gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think, ‘What’s in it for me?’
Or ‘It’s way too far’
They just show on up with their big ol? heart
You find out who your friends are

And everybody wants to slap your back, wants to shake your hand
When you’re up on top of that mountain
But then one of those rocks give way then you slide back down
Look up and see who’s around then

Friends or family for that matter.  I’ve had a ton of people reach out to me this year.  Some are old friends or high school classmates whom I may not have talked to in many years or ever and although I’d never mention anyones name it does mean a LOT to me.  The simple things.  A phone call, text, e-mail, Facebook message etc.  I watched an episode of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ yes, yes, I know.. but hey! they entertain me! 🙂 haha.  Anyways hadn’t seen their grandma, whom is sick and has been losing weight and has battled breast and colon cancer, in a quite a long time and it broke my heart for her.  I know what I’m going through and her being alone when her family is a measly car ride away and they are “too busy” to come see her?  No one is ever too busy.  It brings me back to what I said, are they going to wonder “wow, I wish I did more appearances” at her funeral or are they going to wish they spent more time with her before it was too late?   So anyways, the day was just about how I enjoy more simple things and a simplistic life.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the rat race of the DC lifestyle in terms of work environment but at the end of the week I’d rather get lost in the country camping or just spending time with the people that mean the most to me doing nothing. 🙂

Relaxing at the house